mental snapshots

This is Caley and Carl walking away from me. Thought it was a cool picture.



Today has been the first day that I noticed it smelling like spring. I love that day. I also love the first day of fall when the heater needs turning on. It always smells, as if it's waking up from a long hibernation and has morning breath.

Today I got to see pictures of China (not Hong Kong) from a friend who went on a business trip over there for the Card Factory. I realize that as an American I exist in a bubble, but I had no idea how lush of a bubble it is.

I find it interesting that no matter how many people remind me of Daylight Savings Time, I will inevitably forget to change my clocks and wake up in a panic on Sunday.

I love the quote of the week so much that I don't want to change it. Seriously, that is funny.

low-carb carbohydrates

Today Alissa mistakenly bought Jon low-carb bread instead of regular bread. This sparked a conversation this evening about how incredibly un-bread-like low-carb bread is. "It's all rubbery and stuff" was actually uttered.

To which Cari said, "That's just ridiculous. If you're cutting carbs you should do something else, not eat gross bread."

double chocolate goo with almonds

Monday night Caley made the best chicken I've ever tasted. And spaghetti with fresh tomatoes. And garlic bread. Oh it was heavenly.

I, on the other hand, took a package of cookie dough and put it in the oven. When I deemed it "done" I took it out and set the whole cookie sheet on the table, handing Carl and Caley a fork each and grabbing one for myself. They seemed a bit confused, but followed my lead when I just dug into the uncooked gooey mess with my fork.

Cassie came home in the middle of this dessert and I said, "Hey Cassie, grab a fork. We made cookies!" To which Caley said, "Actually, all we did was buy cookie dough and heat it up a little." And Carl added, "But we'll let Amy call it whatever she wants."

Mmm. I call it scrumptious.

it's not just a city in arkansas

delight noun a feeling of extreme pleasure or satisfaction; something or someone that provides pleasure; a source of happiness; verb give pleasure to or be pleasing to; take delight in; city in AR, location: 34.02945 n, 93.50577 w; population (1990): 311 (166 housing units); area: 1.2 sq km (land), 0.0 sq km (water); zip code(s): 71940.

Two things really delighted me yesterday.

The first thing has a long story behind it. Last Thursday, I was at Panera with some folks, and we had a discussion about certain foods, which I must now address. Cari, remember the conversation about the potato soup? You are correct. It's not nearly as good now that they've changed the recipe. Sorry Matt, I no longer agree with you that Panera's potato soup is the best soup of all time. I, in fact, agree with Cari that it used to be the best soup of all time, but is no longer. See, Saturday Caley and I went to Panera for breakfast (at 1:00 pm, but we'd just gotten up) and I ordered a turkey sandwich on honey wheat. They called me up to the pick-up counter and informed me that they only had ONE PIECE of honey wheat left, so I needed to pick another kind of bread. I said, "Can I use the one piece to get a half turkey sandwich and then get soup with it?" "Sure." "Potato, then. Potato." I got the potato soup and was disappointed. It wasn't the same as it was five years ago. I agree with Cari. (Concerning the soup. Concerning Dodgeball, we're still at odds.) Also, during this Thursday food discussion, Isaac had purchased a pumpkin muffin and maintained that it was the best muffin of all time. He offered me a bite and yes, YES, it is by far the best muffin I've ever tasted in my entire life. So, Saturday, at my 1:00 pm breakfast with Caley, being disappointed with the potato soup, I went to get a pumpkin muffin. THEY HADN'T MADE ANY THAT DAY. What the freaking crap. So I bitched about it, having just woken up and being cranky, to Caley. She was sympathetic, but clearly could do nothing about the fact that I could not have instant gratification by the tastiest muffin of all time. NOW...THIS IS WHAT DELIGHTED ME SO MUCH: Yesterday when I got home form work, Caley gave me a brown bag from Panera, containing two of the best-tasting muffins on the face of the planet: Panera pumpkin muffins. She rocks my socks off. She also straightened my hair today, which is super cool.

The other thing that delighted me was this.

It was a delightful day.

i see london, i see france

Seriously, I got this on my work email account today. It was sent to the entire creative division:

LONDON AND FRANCE RESEARCH DISPLAY
Product Design will present research from recent trips to London and France tomorrow, Wednesday March 30th. Stop by the Santa's Workshop conference room (8B-K21/L21) to view panels and panels of inspirational product and research. Panels will be on display all day. Please do not remove any samples from the room. Thank you.

So I immediately forwarded it to my friends here at work and said, "YOU MEAN THEY HAVE A DISPLAY OF UNDERPANTS ON THE EIGHTH FLOOR??"

I crack myself up.

blogilicious

Real conversation between my roommate Cassie and myself:

Me, walking into church yesterday: Hey Cassie, nice sweater.
Cassie: Oh yeah, by the way, I'm wearing your sweater.
Me: That's okay, I'm wearing your underwear.
(Look of horror on my beautiful roommate's face.)
Me: Just kidding. I'd never wear your underwear, you retard.
Cassie: If you did, we'd have to have a talk. Like a real sit-down talk. In the living room. The one without the television.

hippo birdie two ewes

Happy birthday to the lovely Rachel Spankin' Hankins! Everyone go to her blog and tell her happy birthday. She rocks.

Rachel, happy birthday. I'm glad you're my friend. I dig your hair and your incredible sense of humor. In honor of your birthday I figured I'd just make a post in toast of you. I would put your stapler in jello but we all know how that would turn out.

I will dance around in my cubicle for you today. Yes, I am willing to make a fool of myself for your happiness. I'm good that way. :)

I lift my Nalgene half full with water to you. Cheers!

i'm so lucky and a story about gas

Happy Easter, everyone! Before I get started on this story about gas, I just have to say that my church freaking ROCKS. Not only did they bring to life the Message Of Easter in an extremely non-traditional way, they rocked the house by performing U2's Yahweh. The talent and intellect and wisdom and gifts in our church are amazing. I am so blessed to be part of that family.

Okay, so the story about gas. My friend Melynda came to church with me, and as we exited the auditorium I stopped with her to introduce her to some of my friends. Sean walked up to us and the three of us were talking. Cari walked up from behind me all of a sudden, and out of true love for my friend, I told her, "You might not want to stand there, I just farted." To which she said, "Yeah you did. I can smell it." Then she proceeded to make a face and a noise about how terrible it smelled. Then Sean did a similar dance.

Then Cari said to me, "Amy, why would you do that? Why would you just fart like that?" I said, "Because there was no one behind me." We all looked behind me. There were lots of people behind me. I looked back at Cari, who wasn't accepting that as an answer and said, "Okay so there was no one I KNOW behind me."

good friday

Why is Good Friday good? Because Jesus died for my freedom. I will never comprehend love like that this side of eternity.

another post about a songline

Today I was performing an incredibly mundane task at work, so I decided to put some music on. We all know me, I can't multitask worth a crap, so putting music on at work is fairly uncommon for me. I put on a praise album by Chris Tomlin called Not To Us. I don't know how I own albums for as long as I do and then finally HEAR the words a couple years later, but it continues to happen.

The last song on the album struck a chord in me. Chris writes, "Like a candle-flame, you light my way and lead me as I go." I thought, what a perfect metaphor.

So many times we feel as if we can't move forward in life unless there is a guarantee of some sort that we're doing the right thing. Or the most productive thing. Or the most responsible thing. Or the most profitable thing. But God's will doesn't work like that, it never has. Over and over again in the bible, God says to his people, "I'll show you the next step. Take it, and trust me to keep showing you the next step as you move forward." Those who did (Abraham, Joshua, Jonathan) saw amazing things. They saw God work miracles in their midst because they trusted him enough to step into the unknown. Where we see problems occur is when people refused to trust God with the next step and sat frozen in fear or complacency. Israel wandering in the desert for forty years, King Saul sleeping while Jonathan conquered the Philistines, Peter denying Jesus out of fear.

This is why I love the analogy of a candle-flame. When I stand in complete darkness holding a candle, I can see only within the circle of light around me. If I want to see something outside the circle of light cast by the candle-flame, I must move a step in that direction. I can't merely wish the light to stretch in one direction or another. So it seems to be with God. Sometimes he'll stretch the candle-glow so we can see glimpses of his purpose, but most often he shows us just what we need to know. It's our desire for adventure, our love for the journey, that inner prodding of the Holy Spirit-- that moves us to take a step in any direction. With each step, more and more of the journey is revealed. The adventure is unfolded before our eyes as we move forward in faith.

Erwin McManus writes, "...the courage we often need to engage our greatest challenge can be found only in the midst of engaging that challenge...What we sometimes miss is that God desires to reveal Himself through the choices we make."

jellied staplers gone wrong

I've been a big fan of practical jokes all my life. In fact, for many years my favorite holiday was April Fool's Day. So last night, as Cari and I were sitting right outside Isaac's office after he had left to go have coffee with Josh, my eyes fell on his stapler as my brain went straight to a scene from The Office. The particular scene was the one where Gareth opens his desk drawer, jumps back, and says, "Oh what is that. Tim's put my stapler in the jelly again." David says, "What's wrong with that?" and Gareth says, "I don't trust the way it moves." He then thrusts his hand into the yellow jello mold and grabs his stapler. David screams, "Don't just do that! Eat it out. There's people starving, and I don't like that. Oh wait, don't eat it now. Chemicals."

Sometimes you think of a practical joke, and it's just a good idea. Actually carrying it out wouldn't be such a good idea. This was one of those instances. However, I didn't listen to reason and proceeded to tuck Isaac's stapler away in order to put it in some jello.

I called Carl and he met me at my house after I'd gotten six packages of lime-flavored, sugar-free (wouldn't want it to attract ants) jello. I also used a different stapler than Isaac's, as I didn't want to ruin his stapler. We made a big bowl of green jello and put the stapler in it. Ta-da! We were so proud. Then we sat down and in honor of the events of the evening, watched The Office.

This morning I turned the mold upside down onto a plate and realized that green was a bad choice. It was completely opaque. You couldn't even SEE the stapler. So I dug it out, rinsed it off, got my jello-making supplies together, and stopped by the grocery store on the way to work to get some lemon-flavored, sugar-free jello. I went to work and proceeded to make the most beautiful yellow jello with the stapler placed perfectly in the center. I even tied dental floss to it and suspended it by a pen crossways over the container so that it would look like it was floating. It was perfect.

Also perfect was that I got an email from Jordanne that Isaac had been looking for his stapler nearly all day. I thought this was wonderful because it would take me two weeks or more to realize if my stapler was missing.

So after work I drove over to the church to put the perfect jello on Isaac's desk. But unfortunately, having just gotten an email from him seconds before leaving work, I knew he was still in his office. So I called Jordanne, and we started planning. We tried thinking of ways to get him out of his office so I could sneak in there and put the jello on his desk. She tried. She called him and asked for something but he blew her off and wouldn't leave his office. So I just went into Jordanne's office when I got to the church and we were going to put it at the front office and page him down there to pick it up. Good plan. You'd think.

I went into Jordanne's office and we tried to turn the mold upside down and put it on the plate. Er...apparently you're supposed to spray the jello mold with cooking spray before putting the jello in it. WHY DOESN'T IT SAY THAT ON THE BOX?? It totally stuck and wouldn't come out. It finally came out in a big blob and fell over. So we tried to put it back together. Have you ever tried to put jello back together with your bare hands?? It's a laugh-fest. So after a few minutes of laughing hysterically we were just sitting there with the same blob of jello with a stapler in it with yellow jello all over our hands. Finally I said, "I'm just going to take this whole thing into his office and say, 'Isaac, I tried to pull a practical joke on you but it didn't work.' Sound good?" Jordanne said yes.

So we walked down to Isaac's office. Jordanne went in first and said, "I located your stapler." Right behind her was me, holding a glass dish of jello and a stapler that looked like it has been attacked by a four-year old with a fork. Before I could dejectedly say, "I tried to pull a practical joke on you but it didn't work," Isaac started laughing and said, "Amy that's the funniest thing I've ever seen." I explained to him that it would have been WAY FUNNIER if it had been done correctly. He asked if I had planned to just leave it on his desk. Uh yeah. That was the plan, but you weren't cooperating and neither was the jello.

It also turned out that Isaac was having a fairly stressful afternoon. I love the way he put it, "I have a lot of people who are trying to be helpful, but they all want to be helpful right now." He also spent a substancial amount of time trying to locate his stapler, and upon not finding it, getting a different one, deciding that one wasn't good enough, then finding one that was good enough and switching it out for the one he just acquired. All this and I had his stapler in my car the entire time. So, even though he laughed and laughed and promised me that it was hilarious and he was impressed that I even attempted it, I felt terrible for adding more stress to his day and then not even providing proper practical jokeness hilarity.

I retrieved his stapler from my car and took it into his office. Then I left. He called me as I was walking to my car and I said, "Isaac, I'm sorry I picked such a bad day to pull a practical joke on you. Especially one that didn't even work."

Maybe I'll just lay low on April Fool's Day.

simple pleasures

Today I got free coffee at Panera. I was in line behind two women who ordered a couple bags of food each, with very specific orders. So when I got up there and said, "Coffee to go," the guy said, "That's it?" I said, "Yep," and held out my money. He gave me a cup and said, "Oh don't worry about it."

That just MADE MY DAY.
(Well, that and spending the next 2 hours with Cari and her see-through shirt that you couldn't see through.)

in the ice cream parlor

Tonight Carl and Caley gave me the nickname Pappy. Like a grandpa. PAPPY. And the story is way too long and visual and writing the story on this blog will just make you say, "That's not funny. Why was that funny?" Well, I'll tell ya. If you were there, it would have been funny. Cause we laughed HARD.

Pappy.

Well, you know, When In Rome...

separate checks, please

A couple weeks ago six of us were at a restaurant on a Tuesday night. When the time came for the bill to be delivered, the waitress brought five checks, one for each person at the table, except she put Carl and me on the same check. We both sort of looked at it, then looked at her, not realizing why on earth she put us on the same check. Then she, realizing that we were thoroughly confused, asked, "Oh, are you two not a couple? Was that not okay?" We both burst out laughing. Carl is more like my brother than anyone ever has been since Jodie. I mean, we are a couple of idiots, a couple of hams, a couple of crazy people, but a COUPLE, by usual definition? Well, no. That's just hilarious.

So today Carl, Jessica, and I went to lunch after church. When the waitress brought the check she hadn't divided it out at all, and it was all together on the one check. Jessica looked at the bill and murmured, "Great. Now we're all dating."

call off the search

Well, looks like even though Chief Wiggam was too busy with that really good chili, we've managed to reconnect with Becca and Aaron. Not only did they resurface with new and improved blogs, they dragged out of the woodwork Eric. He won my heart by quoting Ron Burgundy within his first week of posting.

Welcome (back) to the hilarity, y'all.

oh beautiful, beautiful bronchitis

Okay, so bronchitis is never exceptionally fun, but I have to say that THIS WEEK, I am so glad that I had it.

Let me set the scene, I was tired, had a lot of reading that I needed to do, and I had too many plans to enjoy them all. In addition, one of my bestest friends ever was doing her study leave this week at my house. For anyone who isn't familiar with study leave, it's when you get a whole clump of time to study when you want, sleep when you want, and relax when you want. It's that rejuvination time of letting go of the stress stuff and filling up with the exciting stuff when your job is within ministry.

So, due to my bronchitis, I was sore and feverish and nauseated and cold and stuffy and coughing up stuff that I really shouldn't describe on the internet. Which wasn't really all that fun, but I can't remember the details anymore. The details that I DO remember are getting to hang out with Caley all week and not having to keep all those previous committments. Instead, we were sleeping, reading, relaxing. We watched movies, I did that much-needed reading while she did her work-study, and we slept a lot during the day. And giggled and talked at night.

So, SILVER LINING NUMBER THREE: I basically had vacation this week. Granted, I was freezing and sore and snotty for all of it, but I got to rest, I got to laugh, I got to connect with God, and bond with Caley.

(Which, by the way, I do want to send a shout out to Caley for taking me to the doctor and driving me all those places that needed to be driven to.) Thank you for taking care of me all week! :)

one of my pet peeves

I truly abhor it when strangers pass you and make comments to you about not being in a good mood. For example, when you're walking down the sidewalk and someone you don't know says, "Smile! It's not that bad!" like they are the Designated Ray Of Sunshine for the day. I'm all about optimism, and I love being in a good mood, but seriously, that person might not be smiling for a REASON. If I'm walking down the sidewalk with a sad look on my face because my dream job was just given to someone else, I don't wanna hear, "Smile! It's can't be that bad!" I'd rather the person just sweetly smile at me if they're really trying to make me feel better. And if I look like I had a rough night, I'd rather not hear from a stranger, "Oooh, rough night out at the bars?" When in fact I was with my roommate all night in the emergency room. Just annoys the crap out of me.

So today I had to go to work. And since I still feel like doing nothing but sleeping and putting all my energy into not coughing, I didn't look so great. And I totally forgot it was St. Patrick's Day. So there I was, walking down the hall, in jeans and a sweatshirt, in a hat and no makeup, wearing no green at all. And a guy I don't know says to me, "Ooh, you just WANT to get pinched today!" So I mustered all mercy in my heart and just ignored him. Because what I REALLY wanted to do was scream (with half a voice), "You even THINK about pinching this feverish body and I'll cough all over you and give you bronchitis."

silver lining number two

With all the coughing I'm doing, and with such force, I'm going to have abs of steel when I finally get better.

silver lining to the 102 degree fever

Doctor visit for feeling like crap: $20 copay
Kleenex for runny nose: $3
Expectorant for bronchitis: $6
Antibiotic for sinus infection: $20
Note excusing me from work today and tomorrow: Priceless.

dead right

Jon: "Today Alissa and I went to the nine o'clock service. It was great...we were sitting down to lunch at like eleven forty-five. It really opened up the afternoon."

Me: "Yeah, that's great and all, but the nine o'clock service is so dead. No one dances or claps or anything."

Isaac: "Seriously, you could put a corpse in the nine o'clock service and never know. You could look down the row and be like, 'Is there a corpse in this row? I don't know. I can't tell.' "

somebody murdered beatrice carr

Saturday night, my fabulous friend Caley invited me to the Rock Chalk Revue. It's the University of Kansas's greek variety show and her little sister was performing. Now, I never rushed and never cared much for the entire greek thing, other than the fact that it kept the fraternity boys and the sorority girls away from our hippie parties in college, and for that I was thankful. However, as I'm now older and less inclined to judge people by the fact that they are or aren't in some sort of greek organziation, I was more than willing (and actually excited) to accompany Caley in this endeavor to support her little sister Makenna, who is an Alpha Gamma Delta. I must say I was impressed with their sorority. They weren't the typical two-inches-of-makeup, bleached-blond-hair, bulemic-size-two, airheads-who-never-read-literature girls. They were intelligent, funny, all shapes, all sizes, all colors, and boy could they cut a rug!

They went second out of five and did this show called Die A La Mode and it was hilarious. It was about an Association of Rich Ladies. The ex-president was POISONED WITH PIE and it was musical Whodunnit. I laughed so hard. They even did a parody of Video Killed The Radio Star called, "Somebody Murdered Beatrice Carr" and it ROCKED.

oh-no!
she bit the big one
somebody murdered beatrice carr
somebody murdered beatrice carr
she kicked the bucket and she bought the farm

Yeah dude. You shoulda seen it. However, it unfortunately didn't win Best Overall Show. Which, I have to say, is bullshit. It was the only show with a PLOT, a theme that wasn't RIPPED OFF from something else, and intelligent WIT. Perhaps it was over the judges' heads, and therefore that's why they didn't get the big trophy. But Makenna if you're reading this, rest assured that I thought the AGD show had it goin' on. I've been singing somebody murdered beatrice carr for two days straight. You really all did a great job.

i need an APB

We've lost two very important members of our blog community. Becca? Aaron? Are you still out there? Rachel and I are a bit concerned. If you're reading this, comment (I have anonymous turned on) and let us know what in the crap happened.

The title of this reminds me of one of my favorite Simpsons quotes ever. It's the cop, you know, Chief Wiggam. He's on the job, in his car, on his CB. "Suspect is in a...car of some sort, headed in the direction of...that place with the really good chili. Suspect is hatless. I repeat, hatless."

Sounds to me like we need to get Chief Wiggam on the Becca and Aaron case. Pronto. Right after some of that really good chili.

key lime pooper scooper

Why this is one of my favorite pictures of myself EVER.



#1. It's taken in my favorite place EVER: Key West, Florida.
#2. I'm doing my absolute favorite thing EVER: Eating. Eating sugar to be more precise.
#3. And (drumroll please) the absolute best thing about this photo is the sign right behind my head as I'm posing with some scrumptious Key Lime Pie that says, "DOG WASTE" and the picture of the stick-figure-person catching the stick-figure-dog's poop as it flies out its butt.

forever young

Last night I had two very similar conversations about my age, so I figure it's time to post about this insanity. Apparently I look half my age. Half my age would be fourteen and half, so I guess I'm pushing it a little, but apparently I pass very easily for someone still needing to be carded for alcohol.

Conversation number one was between me and Shane about the fact that my job is not so much a delight, and he said, "Well how long have you been there?" I said, "A little over seven years." To which he looked like he was frantically doing math in his head and blurted out, "How OLD are you?" Sort of proudly, I said, "Twenty-nine." I should have said, "...and a half," but instead I said, "I'll be thirty in April." He marveled. This, coming from a man in his late thirties who could easily pass for twenty-five.

Conversation number two was me telling Nida, "I want to have my thirtieth birthday party at Ed's new restaurant." As Nida was nodding, her friend Christina said, "How old are you NOW?" I looked at her very confused and said, "Twenty-nine." I wondered why anyone would talk about their thirtieth birthday party if it weren't next month. She said I looked way more like I was twenty-three, and I smiled and thanked her.

So this seems to be a running theme. When I was twenty-four I got asked by the flight attendant if I was old enough to sit in the Exit Row. THE EXIT ROW. A person has to be FOURTEEN to sit in the Exit Row. "Uh, yes." I said. She shot back, "Exactly how old are you?" "TWENTY FOUR." She looked extremely embarrassed.

Then there was the time that the fourteen year old boy hit on me in the airport when I was twenty-five. I had no clue he was hitting on me. We had a humongous delay and I ended up playing cards on the floor with him and his sister. When we got to the final destination, he asked me for my email. I thought that was a little strange, but I gave it to him anyway. He emailed me and asked me if I was in high school. I wrote back, "I graduated from high school already. And college. In fact, I've been working in a corporation for three years now." I never heard from him again. Turns out his mom worked with the friend I was flying to visit. They had a chat. He was hitting on me. And, I might add, he was highly disappointed. Can I hear a YOU GO GIRL.

And, probably the best story, was the first year I worked here at the Card Factory. I was twenty-three, fresh out of my fifth year of college. It was "Bring Your Kid To Work" Day. Even though I was wearing my employee id badge just like every other day, I GOT ASKED WHOSE KID I WAS.

Yeah.

However, looking younger is great. It's a license to be VERY immature. I guess all that sunscreen paid off after all.

the pecans belonging to ed

Saturday night Steve, Joseph, Nida, and I were sitting around talking. Pertinent information: Steve's roommate, Ed, was not there. The conversation had turned to the Christian faith, and we were having a very heartfelt, deep discussion about God. I got up to go to the bathroom, and upon returning, saw a bag of pecans on the table. I said, "OOh. Steve, can I have some pecans?" He said, "Sure. They're Ed's."

So I grabbed the bag of pecans, took a handful, then set the bag in the center of all of us. We all, slowly, while talking, just kept eating and eating the pecans. Assessing the fullness of the bag as I took another handful, I noticed that the bag was getting quite low.

(Now remember, totally serious conversation going on here.) Upon noticing how few pecans were still in the bag, I said, almost under my breath, "Wow. We are really polishing off Ed's nuts."

A half second of silence followed as the words sunk into our brains. Then hysterical laughter. Ahh, the fun of double meanings.

i want to kick my own ass

I have become the person I hate.

I've been driving for nearly fifteen years. In that span of time, I've owned three cars, the most recent of which being two and a half weeks old. So for nearly fifteen years minus two and a half weeks, I have not had power locks nor power windows nor keyless entry nor anything at all resembling an alarm system. I would take out my key, walk up to my car door, insert the key, turn it to the right, and open the door to get inside. Doing this many times per day for nearly fifteen years minus two and a half weeks, the pratice becomes HABIT.

Well, for the two and half weeks that I've owned my new car, I've been so completely fascinated by my keyless entry that I've only used the little remote thing that comes with your keys to unlock the doors. Until last night. I was at church, and as I was leaving I was having a conversation with Bill and Carl. When we finished our conversation, we all went in different directions in the parking lot to our respective cars. Being tired and not thinking, I was more in HABIT MODE than FASCINATION WITH KEYLESS ENTRY MODE and I inserted the key into the door and turned it to the right.

THE FREAKING ALARM STARTED GOING NUTS.

"Oh crap," I thought. "I have become the person I've cursed for years."

See, the apartment I lived in for five years before I bought my house was right on 47th Street in the plaza. LOUD. Right there in the city with a million cars parked all around. Usually I loved the noise. In fact, I loved it so much that the first night I slept in my house I couldn't deal with the quiet. Thank God for the train. But the noise I didn't love was the occasional obnoxious car alarm that inevitably went off (apparently unnoticed by the one person who owned the car) from 4:00 am to 4:37 am. So here I was, at 9:23 in the evening in a residential neighborhood in my church parking lot with NO CLUE HOW TO TURN OFF MY CAR ALARM. I tried putting the key in the ignition. I tried turning the car on (no such luck...it won't start when the alarm is going nuts.) I tried closing the door. I tried hitting the unlock button on the door. I'm frantically thinking I want my manual door locks back! and fiddling with everything in the car. FINALLY I try the remote. Apparently you have to use the remote to let the car know that you have the remote in your possession. Holy Freaking Cow.

When I finally got the car on and was pulling out of the parking lot I called Carl. "Did you hear me set off my car alarm?"

"Oh yes," was his reply. "It was incredibly entertaining."

well said

My wonderful friend (who has asked to remain nameless), to me: "I'm getting ready to fart. And it's gonna rock your world."

staryucks

A friend told me the other day that he saw a bumper sticker that said, "Friends don't let friends drink Starbucks." Can I get an Amen and Hallelujah?? I am choking down some Starbucks right now because I am in DIRE need of caffeine. Oh how I wish they still served Roasterie Coffee here at the Card Factory. Perhaps I should have gotten the Folgers out of the free machine, it would have tasted better and I'd be ninety cents richer.

an ode to jarrod on his birthday

Oh Jarrod, my Jarrod. One of my best friends in the entire world. It's hard to believe I've known you for less than a year. I feel like you know me better than 99% of my friends, and I love that. You amaze me, you entertain me, you challenge me, and you love me. What more could I ever ask for? I have seen you come from a wasteland of emotions to true happiness, and you will never fully understand the joy which that brings to my heart. I love Jessica simply for who she is, but I am so thankful to her for making you so happy. You deserve so much. You're an incredible father. You're an amazing writer. Thank you for challenging my perspectives and making me a better person. Thank you for listening to me endlessly and without judgement. Thank you for sharing your most difficult times with me and letting me be there for you. I am so thankful that even though you were essentially still a stranger when my world fell apart that you called me at two in the morning to see if I was okay. That was the beginning of this beautiful friendship.

So, in true toast form, here's to YOU Jarrod. Here's to the day we dyed your hair blue, the YNTPB night, Juyapalooza, Dodgeball and Anchorman, The Secret Window and Seinfeld, Minsky's lunches, Party Cove at Denny's, and millions of other things that have made my life more full but are too special to blab to the entire Internet. You are one of the few men I know who can look hot in a tiara and boa while holding a magic wand. Thank you so much for your friendship, even though that is an incredible understatement. I love you.