well said

Cari was talking about giving me an old purse of hers, but she wasn't sure I'd like it. She said, "It's not very organic."

"Am I organic?" I asked.

"Yup. You're free range."

remedy

I haven't been able to stop playing this album on repeat since I got it. The talented and hilarious David Crowder Band (accompanied by Ted Nugent on this one, nonetheless) has given us an album that ranges from quiet worship to completely inspired pure rocking out. Do yourself a favor; go buy it.

There are so few words
that never grow old.

turn me again to yourself

Today my friend Isaac asked how I was. I said, "Oh, you know. (I waved my hand in the air.) Melancholy. Happy. Jumbled." He asked why and I told him that talking about it was pretty impossible at that given moment since I couldn't really figure out words for it all. So he set his coffee cup on the floor and leaned against the window and said, "Yeah? Tell me about that." He has a habit of doing this very thing quite often; it's part of his charm.

So I started clumsily processing, and as I untangled the strand of thoughts, I realized the source of my jumbled thoughts: I'm in that narrow place between having identified my problem and having fixed it.

I have recently realized that I've always lived my life in hope. I know that sounds very romantic; very much like a good thing. But it isn't. You see, I was living my life under the terms of, "In the future something is going to happen to make me feel perfected. I can be content in my current circumstances because I am hoping that one of these days soon one circumstance will change and I'll all of the sudden be fulfilled." I guess you could call it the downside of the gift of faith.

But I am learning (through experience and observation) that there is no circumstance that is going to fix everything. I wholeheartedly believe that I have the perfect job, but there are days when it drains me to the point of depletion. And I have the most wonderful friends I can imagine, but we still let each other down sometimes, and it hurts. And since I am still single, it's easy for me to say that I think marriage will be the circumstance that fulfills me, but I see plenty of healthy marriages every day that still have their insecurities and low points and seasons of hopelessness. I keep trying to lose a few pounds, but I am wise enough to know that being able to wear a t-shirt without constantly pulling on it to hide my belly isn't going to make my insecurities go away.

I am realizing that I am "hoping" in the wrong thing. This is a grand paradigm shift. It's like I'm mourning the loss of an era. The era of the hope taught to me by my well-meaning parents: "Do your homework and get good grades so you can grow up and get a good job and be happy." The era of the hope taught to me by a deceitful world: "Until you look perfect no one will love you, and you will finally be worth something when someone loves you."

I am realizing that no matter what my circumstances are, they are not going to make me feel free, or enjoyable, or uniquely significant. At times they will, but there will always be times that they won't. The issue is that I need to know that I am free, and enjoyable, and uniquely significant in the midst of any circumstance.

This is something I have known for a good while in my head, but lately enough of it has trickled into my heart that it's starting to puddle up, gain some ground, and start tipping the scales. It's starting to really take root in my soul and make me give up the fight of holding onto, white-knuckled, the hope that something will change and fix it all.

What needs to change is the object of my hope. I need to hope in God, not in the future. Christ in us is the hope of glory.

Psalm 80:7 says it like this:

Turn us again to yourself, O God Almighty.
Make your face shine down upon us.
Only then will we be saved.

Only when God's face is shining on me will I be fulfilled, at peace, fixed. The perfect job will not make me completely fulfilled. The perfect marriage will not make me completely at peace. Being thin and pretty will not mean that I am no longer broken. Only God's face shining on me will do that.

So I am melancholy because it's a sad realization that nothing in this life will fulfill me—that there is nothing earthly in which I can place my hope. But I am thankful and amazed that God would draw me so gently through this process. And it is a gift beyond comprehension to be released from the pressure of making sure all the circumstances come together perfectly.

And I am jumbled because I'm in that narrow space in between. Trying to learn how to hope in God and God alone. Trying to learn that his face shining on me is what saves me. For it is you and none other, Yahweh, who make me rest secure. [Psalm 4:8b]

it's years old but i've got it on repeat

Take these shoes—click-clacking down some dead-end street—take these shoes and make them fit.
Take this shirt, polyester white-trash, made in nowhere. Take this shirt and make it clean.
Take this soul—stranded in some skin and bones—take this soul and make it sing.
Take these hands. Teach them what to carry. Take these hands; don't make a fist.
Take this mouth—so quick to criticize—take this mouth; give it a kiss.

Yahweh, Yahweh. Always pain before a child is born.
Yahweh, Yahweh. Still, I'm waiting for the dawn.
The sun is coming up.
The sun is coming up on the ocean. This love is like a drop in the ocean.

Yahweh, Yahweh. Always pain before a child is born.
Yahweh, tell me now: Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city. A city should be shining on a hill. Take this city if it be your will.
What no man can own, no man can take. Take this heart and make it break.

—Yahweh, U2

Mercy and truth have met together; righteousness and peace have kissed. —Psalm 85:10

well said

"Ecstacy, I think, is a soul's response to the waves holiness makes as it nears." —Annie Dillard

vanity of vanities

How is it possible that in the same breath I can be so discontent, yet so thankful? And to know that the blessings are too numerous to count, yet I feel like life is passing me by?

There are some things that I have wanted for years and had no taste of. But there is also beauty in my life that I never could have expected or dreamed.

It never ceases to amaze me how much joy and grief are two sides of the same coin. How much of happiness is just distraction? And how much happiness am I missing because of being so distracted?

I don't know that we can ever be sure of why the heart wants what it wants.

they aren't related, but they are most definitely brothers

Friday night, a friend used the bathroom in our apartment and found Buddy here:



And then this morning, I found Sam here:



This was not Sam's first time in the herb pot, but it was the first time I'd ever seen Buddy in the bathroom sink. I'm not really sure what the draw was.

Now, on a completely different subject, this is the funniest picture I've ever seen in my life. I was taking multiple shots of Buddy in the bathroom sink, and this one I took (obviously) through the mirror. I seriously can't look at this picture without laughing OUT LOUD.

ahoy matey

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day. Who knew September 19th was so much fun?

the perfect mornings continue

Seriously, autumn is the best season. And morning is the best time of day. And breakfast is the best meal of the day.

Thursday's breakfast: you can't see the french toast with bananas and almonds, but man alive was it tasty.



Friday's breakfast: seriously, yum. And the coffee was hazelnut.

best post of the week

Oh my gosh I read this and just COULD NOT stop laughing. He slays me, really.

(For some background information, Stephen is Canadian, and the loonie is the Canadian one dollar coin.)

so it's not my forte

Tonight was Mark's birthday, and so we went out for pizza. As we sat in the bar, Sam was watching the Royals game on the television. I asked him, as if I were at all interested, "Who are the Royals playing?"

He answered, "The Indians."

I paused; took a bite of my calzone. "What city do they belong to?"

He laughed, "Cleveland."

I started to get confused, so I asked, "Isn't there a football team called the Indians?"

"No."

"Didn't they win the Super Bowl last year?"

"No."

"Didn't the New Orleans Indians win the Super Bowl?"

"Amy, the Indianapolis Colts won the Super Bowl."

"Dangit! And I've even had this conversation before."

the perfect morning

Ah, I do so love Mondays. Especially when it's starting to smell like fall and my roommate makes coffee for me.

well said

"Can we go food ourselves?"

"What?"

"I mean, can we go eat. Sorry, my brain needs food."

who knew there were multiple purposes for this?

Last night I attended MAP graduation. For those of you unaware, MAP is the seminary alternative program that I was in for a year before the REACH office closed and I started working at the church. Working at REACH was my free ticket to enrollment, so I had to stop going, but some of my classmates graduated last night so I went to celebrate with them. It was a fabulous time, hugs and greetings and laughing about old jokes that were funny to absolutely no one but us.

"Amorphous malaise!"

See? I'm laughing, you're not.

Anyway. As Craig (the professor) was giving his charge to the graduates, he was talking about Martin Luther. He was speaking about the ink stain on the wall in the castle where Luther translated the entire bible into German, and how Luther said that he felt the presence of evil so strongly while he was translating the bible—as if Satan were trying with all his might to stop Luther from making the bible accessible to Germans. At one point the presence of evil was so strong that he hurled an ink well in the direction in which he felt it and it hit the wall, making a stain that is still there to this day.

Kind of cool history stuff.

But then Craig added that Luther also had some humorous writings from his time during the German translating. He believed that farting would dispel the presence of Satan from the room, and after farting he found it easier to work for awhile.

Who knows if this is true or not, but I'm not going to check his sources. Why? Because now, NOW we have the greatest excuse for farting whenever and wherever. If people look at you like you're rude or gross, you just look at them and say, "What? I'm just trying to make it more holy in here."

well said

"Ryan? What's the brown stuff all over my desk?"

"Oh. Bruce threw a Coke at Harold, and Harold didn't catch it."

great labor day dialogue

Suzie: "George, when was the last time you put on sunscreen?"

George: "Today."

my favorite quote of the whole night

Sometime well after midnight, Julie and I are talking about nothing in particular, like eggs and cabinet doors and riding bikes. Julie says to me,

"I love riding my bike. I mean, it's just so great. My heart pounding, the adrenaline rush ... I'm going so fast and the wind is blowing through my (she pauses, and looks perplexed) ... helmet."