columbus thought cuba was china

languages

2012-01-24T10:13:00.000-06:00

Sunday night, Andrew and I hadn't eaten all day, so we and his girlfriend Grace went to get Mexican food. I ordered a burrito bigger than my face, and as I took my first bite I said, "Oh my GOSH. This is so good. It's like a grilled stuft burrito but with real food inside."

Grace looked at me quizzically, and as if to offer an answer to us both, Andrew looked at me and said, "Oh. Yeah. Grace doesn't speak Taco Bell."

two thousand eleven

2011-12-31T12:55:00.003-06:00

It would seem strange to turn the page from one year to the next without a post. I've been pretty ready to get rid of 2011; hoping that 2012 might give me an easier time of it. Odd years seem to not be my friends. 2009 kicked me in the pants, and then 2010 was truly the Year Of No Bad News. 2011 has been sad and painful, so hopefully 2012 will show its even-numbered goodness.

For all the difficulties of this past year, it hasn't been without its joys. I've definitely enjoyed surprise blessings and I don't want those to get lost in the brushing away of 2011. As Natalie reminded me today, Frederick Buechner said that faith is both the dreaming and the crying. I must remember that it is both.

So as Resolution No. 1 I will finish the Steinbeck that I'm reading and then pick up my favorite Buechner. He always puts me back to rights, sort of like standing where the ocean laps onto the sand. A deep breath of clean and light truth, with all its dreaming and all its crying.

Hello baby 2012. I want to be friends.

all those ones

2011-11-11T16:43:00.006-06:00

So, it finally happened. It passed effortlessly, in the most humdrum of ways, as minutes often do. The only way I commemorated it was by taking a screenshot of my iPhone.

It's beautiful to think about how much has changed since I wrote that post, though. All the people that I know now that I didn't know then, the old cat whom I love who was a kitten back then. The place where I live that feels like home after so many moves, the job that I get up happy to do every day.

In exactly seven years, the date won't be anything out of the ordinary. 11/11/18. But here's to seven more years of beautiful life, the joy and the pain, the surprises—both good and bad, all that can't yet even be imagined.

Happy 11/11/11 everyone.

new history

2011-10-25T00:51:00.003-05:00

"Forget about what's happened;
don't keep going over old history.
I'm about to do something brand-new.
Don't you see it?"
~Isaiah 43

Phoebe: "Just think of it this way: it's in the past, and you can't be mad about the past."
Ross: "What?"
Phoebe: "Are you still mad about, say, the Louisiana Purchase?"
Rachel: "Phebes, I don't think anyone is mad about the Louisiana Purchase."
Phoebe: "Right. Because it's in the past."

it's hard to not be romantic about apple

2011-10-06T12:05:00.005-05:00

When I was in fourth grade my mom was the head librarian at a branch library at the university. Sometimes during the summer or days that I was off of school, she'd let me accompany her to work. I loved it. I'd spend hours perusing the business books, not really being interested in their content but more their aesthetic and their aroma.

One thing in particular I remember was an Apple computer. Small, beige plastic, with a tail that people called a "mouse." They were square, the computer and the mouse, and that little piece of magic had a floppy disk drive in front. I loved it. I think I used it more than any of the university employees or students.

When I was in fifth grade our elementary school got one of those, an Apple computer. I loved it too, sometimes going to the library during recess to see if it was available for use. During reading time during library period I always chose the Apple over books unless some other 10-year-old nerd beat me to it.

Although my parents at one time had a Commodore 64 and an IBM that ran Windows 3.1, I have never myself owned anything other than an Apple. In college I majored in the graphics field, so the only computers I touched were Apples. At my first post-college "real" job, I did Apple hardware and software tech support in the Graphics division at Hallmark Cards' headquarters. From OS 7.6.1 to OS X I knew the ins and outs of Macintosh and loved all of it.

My first computer purchase was an iBook. She was a lovely little white thing. She eventually got stolen and I purchased a black MacBook. A faithful companion until I needed a bit more processing power, and I now type this on a trusty silver MacBook Pro. I have an iPod. I have an iPhone. Apple is my cherished one of technology.

Yesterday the man who made these stories a reality for me passed away. Steve Jobs did so much in his 56 years. Today I've been thinking of those who knew him personally—his family and friends and coworkers. I am mourning an icon; they are mourning a person. They are mourning the loss of one dear to their hearts, the loss of a unique and personal relationship with each of them. As it is when anyone dies, hearts bleed and minds spin and lumps stick in the throat. The world stops, and it is never again the same once it starts moving again.

Steve Jobs changed the world for so many more than those who knew him personally. I could mention all the ways he changed everything, but I'll leave that to the news websites. I simply want to salute a man who knew who he was and lived unapologetically. He wasn't afraid. He lived out the creativity and the passion that God designed into him. He was relentless; insistent to never stop at "just good enough." He brought forth beauty. He made tools that continue to bring forth beauty, beautifully. He pressed his people to not give up before they'd delivered their best.

I came across this video on devour.com, and it made me cry. I cried because I remember it. I remember the revolution. I remember all the Keynote Addresses at WWDCs over the years, watching in a room on Hallmark's IT floor, or constantly hitting the refresh button on my browser for live updates. Steve Jobs had a way of bringing you into innovation. He made an imprint on our culture that will never fade. He truly, truly is a man who changed the world.

Cheers to you, Mr. Jobs. You knocked it all the way out of the park every single time. You are a hero.

home

2011-10-03T19:48:00.002-05:00

Through my open window and theirs, I can hear my neighbors cooking dinner across the alley. They're laughing, and conversing in a language I don't know.

I love it.

this is the world as best as i can remember it

2011-09-27T10:33:00.003-05:00

It seems that love comes for just a moment,
And then it passes on by.
And her sky is just a bandit
Swinging at the end of a hangman's noose,
'Cause he stole the moon and must be made to pay for it.
And her friends say, "My, that's tragic,"
She says, "Especially for the moon."
This is the world as best as I can remember it.

—Rich Mullins, 1991

the tree isn't for everyone

2011-09-02T14:26:00.007-05:00

Lately I've been part of a lot of conversations centered around how to better follow Jesus. Great discussions, for sure. A theme of these conversations has been the recurring question: Who is God asking me to be?

It's not that the answers I've heard aren't true—God calls us to be all sorts of things uniquely and individually. Who am I to say to someone that God is not asking him or her to be a certain way? But I have also been in conversations centered around people thinking they aren't following Jesus well if they aren't being "_____" or "_____"—that is, the adjectives that other people toss out in conversation. What I've noticed is that all these adjectives have to do with changing self instead of changing perspective.

Maybe when we talk about how God is asking us to change self, we should take care to remember that we are each created uniquely, with a distinctive set of gifts, a personality never to be re-created, an individual relationship (way-of-relating) with our Creator. Perhaps we ask him directly how self should be evolving; not simply mimic our friends, leaders, writers, bloggers, or those who happen to speak the loudest.

However, when we talk about changing perspective, it seems pretty universal. The psalmist says, "Keep your eyes open for God, watch for his works; be alert for signs of his presence." Be expectant, be thankful, be aware, be hopeful, be willing. All those things look different on you than they look on me.

Zacchaeus (the wee little man; you can read about him in Luke 19 in the bible) was a tax-collector, and as near as I can figure that made him seem pretty slimy—people assumed him to be dishonest, no one fully trusted him, people looked down the bridges of their noses at him. But he climbed up in a tree so that he could get a look at Jesus and Jesus invited himself over to dinner at Zacchaeus' house. We marvel because Jesus didn't have the general disdain for him that everyone else had. Jesus was excited at Zacchaeus' excitement.

Just a few chapters before Zacchaeus' story, in Luke 7, we read another story about the "town harlot"—a slut, someone people considered dirty, also someone that people looked down the bridges of their noses at. She burst unwelcome into a dinner party and poured a bottle of perfume on Jesus' feet, breaking the bottle in her nervousness, her tears mixing with the perfume as her hair stuck to his feet when she kneeled on the floor in front of him. The host of the dinner party started to belittle her, but Jesus shut him down quick, giving the woman dignity, restoring her innate worth. We marvel because Jesus wasn't grossed out by her like everyone else was. Jesus was honored to be the object of this woman's honor.

And never once do we see anyone approach Jesus only for his response to be, "why don't you climb a tree," or "why don't you break a bottle of perfume." Every posture was accepted, every posture was unique to each heart approaching Jesus. It seems he responded no matter what the posture, because they were expectant, thankful, aware, hopeful, willing. And it looked different on every single person.

Maybe we need help remembering that. I know I need help remembering when my friend tells me that he met a guy on an airplane who had nowhere to go after rehab so he asked him to stay with him in his home. It seems holier than my style. I need help remembering that—for me—expectancy, gratitude, awareness, hope, willingness may look a lot more like creating a little bit of art, or having a quiet cup of coffee with a fragile friend, or being detailed in my accounting so that our organization's finances are appropriate and in balance. I need reminding that not every act of worship is grandiose.

When we talk about discipleship, we have to remember that we don't just get in a tree or break a bottle of perfume or put clean sheets on the guest bed just because someone else did. Maybe we focus more on helping each other figure out how, like the psalmist said, to keep our eyes open for God, watch for his works; be alert for signs of his presence.

We help each other be expectant, thankful, aware, hopeful, willing. The ways that self changes through that is way more beautiful than if we all try to do it the same way.

our secondary light

2011-08-15T20:05:00.011-05:00

I find it incredibly beautiful that God made us with minds curious enough and smart enough to figure out all this scientific stuff about the moon. It orbits the earth in a little over 27 days. It reflects the sun, it's 4.6 billion years old, and it's 6783 miles in circumference. It's 27% the size of the planet it lights up and can fluctuate in temperature as much as 640 degrees Fahrenheit. We, as humans, have data on the moon so vast that I can't even comprehend it.

Yet I find it even more beautiful that God also made us with minds that marvel and wonder ... for no matter how much we know about its existence or its function, on a summer evening lit up with moonshine, we find ourselves drenched in magic and wholly enveloped in awe.

good advice

2011-08-07T00:50:00.003-05:00

My dear friend Claire gave me this book as a present over a year ago. Tonight I picked it up to read through it again, as I do every so often. It's full of really good advice, and this one landed on me in such a way tonight that I needed to share it. It's really good advice.

to round out july

2011-08-04T14:36:00.001-05:00

A hot summer evening, twenty friends, flowers from the front yard, fruit from the local farmers, and a lot of love. Jordanne throws absolutely beautiful dinner parties.

attending

2011-08-01T13:26:00.004-05:00

"If people can't see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves;
But when they attend to what he reveals, they are most blessed."
—Proverbs 29:18

If our bodies have five senses, maybe our hearts do too. Every once in awhile a breeze blows through a dimension that opens the eyes, ears of our hearts; life smells and tastes and feels different.

I think the source of that breeze is gratitude. If that is what the Proverb means, then I am not the only one who has thought that. God is always dripping beauty on us, in us, around us—but sometimes we don't look for it and we stub our toes on our frustrations. The world and life aren't easy, and I don't think anyone—however blessed—would say that it is, but in the thick of it and out of the thick of it, there is always a beauty if we choose to open our senses to it. It's the nature of us, our planet, our cores; the very term restoration reveals that everything is broken and the glory of it all is the process of being put back to rights.

I have often complained about my life's details and often bloodied my feet with stumbling. But if any moment of my life had been one inch to the left or to the right, the trajectory would have been different, maybe even off, and I wouldn't be exactly where I am right now, right here.

So I am thankful for the broken path, the rocks and the roots I've tripped over and been bruised by. The beauty that I see and hear and taste and smell and feel is absolutely and without question worth it.

i am thankful for...

2011-07-19T23:14:00.003-05:00

Making crafts with a three-year-old friend, chilly sunrises at the ocean, good music by amazing friends, pancake dinners for two, friends who laugh well, and tokens of love ... just to name a few.

delightful things

2011-07-09T10:07:00.003-05:00

summer love

2011-07-07T17:37:00.010-05:00

Yesterday I woke up smiling. It wasn't because of anything out of the ordinary, it was simply because it's July. The night before I had done some laundry, and as I was climbing the outside stairs I heard them: the cicadas.

I love cicadas.

Wait, I take that back. They're a little unruly when you get one inside. But the sound that they make as a chorus—well, that sound is one of my favorites in the world.

I guess I'd gone to sleep thinking how wonderful it is that the cicadas have come to Kansas City, and I woke up warm and uncovered and I was just smiling. Happy. Because it's summer.

Don't get me wrong. Autumn is still my favorite season—I'm not cheating on that old gal. But summer, ah summer ... there just isn't much wrong with it.

A few of my favorite things:

The loud hum of the window air conditioner upon waking
Daytime lasts until 9:30pm
Shoes are never necessary, only optional
I never need to stash a hoodie in my purse or my car
Sweating — I know people hate this, but I love it
The humidity makes my hair curly
Box fans
The way the morning smells
The song of the cicadas
My car is never, ever covered in snow or ice
Coffee doesn't get cold halfway through the cup
Swimming, especially nightswimming
Fireflies, and the way they light up a dark field
The unmistakable smell of burgers and hot dogs on the grill
Jam sessions on the porch with my buds
The way my sunglasses fog up when I go outside
While driving, windows down and radio up (even better if Tom Petty is on the radio)
The trees drip with the brightest of green
The way a thunderstorm can darken the brightest sky and then wow you with its lightning and rumbling
Time spent on the swings at the park
Iced coffee on the plaza
OFA (if you don't know what this is, that's ok)
Shakespeare in the Park
Work meetings outside
The tightness of sunburned skin
Sunday mornings at the farmer's market
Baseball (and playing catch)
Outdoor concerts and shows
Camping
Reading on the screened-in porch
Finding an unexpected sprinkler and running through
The coat closet stays closed
Patio dining, picnicking, and all versions of eating outside
Flowers, everywhere
Strolling musicians
Sleeping with no covers
The smell of citronella
Cold beers
When I get into my car and it's 105º in there and all my muscles relax
How good air conditioning feels when you first walk into it
Fresh, local fruits and vegetables
Steam rising from the pavement after a rain
Late hangs and eating treats from QuikTrip in its parking lot
Cool showers
The way that warm, humid air feels soft
The smell of the lake: gasoline mixed with water mixed with sunscreen
Road trips, and packing light
Wearing sundresses
Late night games like Hostage and Fugitive
Good conversation on the porch swing without shivering

Ok. I'll stop at 50. Happy summer, everyone.

found in translation

2011-06-30T11:29:00.003-05:00

I think I've read this passage a thousand times, or heard it read aloud, or seen it in a frame or in needlepoint in an antique store. While it is absolutely beautiful and true, words that pound my brain for so many years become rote, and I stop marveling at their wonder or truthfulness.

Galatians 5, New Living Translation:
When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

Add to the familiarity of the passage the fact that it is so theoretical, and it's almost lost on me entirely anymore. I am a much more concrete thinker, understanding practical ideas way more than theoretical or theologized ideas. What do all these things mean? What do they look like in life, today, here? I happened across it yesterday in The Message, and it was like it had finally been translated into a language I knew with my heart. Thank goodness. Read and see.

Galatians 5, The Message:
It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. If you use your freedom this way, you are not living in the Kingdom of God. But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way.

It's longer, yes, but hey, I like words.

absolutely everything

2011-06-23T10:44:00.006-05:00

"God is far too large to fit into our lives. If we want anything to do with God, we have to fit into him.

"One of the bad habits that we pick up early in our lives is separating things and people into secular and sacred. We assume that the secular is what we are more or less in charge of: our jobs, our time, our entertainment, our government, our social relations. The sacred is what God has charge of: worship and the Bible, heaven and hell, church and prayers. We then contrive to set aside a sacred place for God, designed, we say, to honor God but really intended to keep God in his place, leaving us free to have the final say about everything else that goes on.

"Prophets will have none of this. They contend that everything, absolutely everything, takes place on sacred ground. God has something to say about every aspect of our lives: the way we feel and act in the so-called privacy of our hearts and homes, the way we make our money and the way we spend it, the politics we embrace, the wars we fight, the catastrophes we endure, the people we hurt and the people we help. Nothing is hidden from the scrutiny of God, nothing is exempt from the rule of God, nothing escapes the purposes of God. Holy, holy, holy."

~Eugene Peterson

thankful

2011-06-13T20:23:00.001-05:00

It's 75 degrees.
I'm reading on my screened-in porch with my bare feet up.
Samdog is pressed up against my left side.
The birds are singing and there is a great little breeze.

I can't believe I get to live this life.

a little bit about me, emilee, & molly

2011-06-08T18:46:00.007-05:00

"In his holy flirtation with the world, God occasionally drops a pocket handkerchief. These handkerchiefs are called saints."
—Frederick Buechner

I just love this. Claire's journal. Double exposed. She's a saint.

blessed are the cracked, for they let the light in

2011-05-27T11:01:00.001-05:00

I have never really been one to love pristine things. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate the finer things in life, but the things I'm particularly fond of—and the people who capture my heart—are always in some way visibly flawed. I'm not sure if that is a brokenness or a grace in my character, but it is who I am, regardless. My iPhone has a large scratch across the screen, and it comforts me. I know it's mine. My car, now an old gal, had a mishap in her early days. Only a couple weeks old, she got a great gouge in her side in the parking lot at work while I was indoors. Others gasped, said it was a shame, but I smiled—relieved. She could now be lived in, used, a partner instead of a possession; she now had a story, her character was deepening.

When I think of the people that are most dear to me, they are the ones whose flaws are visible. Those I know well enough that their imperfections have been revealed, are out in the open for us, are stairs to climb and obstacles to be aware of. Imperfections are no less beautiful, especially when God showers grace on them. I have often had the thought that great hardship reveals more beauty in a person. When the trappings of blessing, and security, and health, and intellect, and possessions are taken away, little is left except the image of God—the dust and breath from which we are made. There is space for the Holy Spirit, space for the light to get in and shine on the unique creation that a person is, a once-in-a-lifetime expression of the love of God.

It comforts me that God cannot be understood by the finite mind. What mercy that he has not allowed us to see all that he sees, that he protects us and keeps us and says, "I've got this." What comfort that though we don't understand his allowances for our imperfections and suffering, that he is good. What assurance that even though he may not explain, that he is always there, always holding us, never absent, never asleep, never apathetic. He is always beauty, always love.

good words

2011-05-17T10:13:00.001-05:00

Your imagination makes things harder on you than God ever could. You want to know the future and you also exaggerate your suffering. Sometimes you become overwhelmed by events that have not yet happened. All moments are in God's hands. Walk humbly with God. —Fenelon

at sunrise

2011-05-03T10:40:00.001-05:00

Creation is so full of the love of our Creator. Like Jesus, the ocean is wild, reckless, beautiful, alluring, powerful, magnetic, and never ceasing in mystery.

laziness of faith, 55º, and the resurrection

2011-04-28T22:47:00.006-05:00

On December 20th of this past year, a stitch more than four months ago, we had a great hang. It was no Deep Hang 2012—no opening ceremonies, we were all home and in bed way before 7:00am, and we didn't pretend to have the car overheat so that Cream would turn around and come downtown so we could say something about the smell of coffee. But it was beautiful, so beautiful, in its own December way.

Nathan and Trevor were both in town, a gift of all gifts since they've both moved away to pursue the things that make them come alive in this world. And it was a 55º night in the midst of endless single digit days. It was as if God blessed that day, breathed warmth into it, because he knew we all needed to be together. Marilynne Robinson said once, "...it makes me think how God enjoys us, and I think we think about that far too little." It's true. I think God had so much fun with us that night. I remember one moment in particular, a three-car caravan of spook driving, and Trevor, Ryan, and I were in my car—middle of the pack. We meandered along, windows down to the unseasonable air, with Girl Talk's All Day blasting. Ryan was talking about the meaning of life from the back seat as Trevor and I listened, and I was completely overwhelmed with how blessed I was; how blessed I am. I would challenge anyone to find two people more different from each other as Trevor and Ryan, yet words could never express how much I love these two friends of mine. I was just so happy.

In the last couple weeks, Easter got me thinking about the Resurrection. In M. Night Shyamalan's The Village, there is a line that takes my breath away: The world moves for love. It kneels before it in awe. Jesus moved for love. God moved for love. And there is nothing we can do with a move like that but kneel before it in awe.

So why don't we? Why do we not kneel before it in awe? Why do we act like it didn't happen? Why don't we live in the Resurrection??

I found myself at church a couple weeks ago, sitting against the wall in the back, listening to people talk about miracles in their lives, a realization rising in my gut—I don't live in the Resurrection. And I was appalled. I have been going about my business, expecting disappointment and dwelling on rejection, and calling it "being realistic." But do you know what is real? Jesus moving for love. He set the precedent. If I am being truly realistic, I should be expecting joy and dwelling on grace. Jesus went to the grave for us, for the joy set before him, for his fierce love for each of us, uniquely. And then, THEN, he beat death. He became alive again. Joy. Love. A miracle. And then he said, "You are alive with me."

So if I'm not expecting joy, if I'm not dwelling on grace, if I'm not believing God has a miracle that he is preparing, then I have a laziness to my faith. I either have a lazy faith in God, or I have faith in something other than God.

God moved for love when he created us. So it's in us. It's in our DNA, it's in the dirt, it's in the air, it's in the wind and the water and gravity and concrete and plant life: we move for love. We kneel before it in awe.

It's what happened in the car that December night with Trevor and Ryan. We were kneeling before love in awe. We were expecting joy. We were dwelling on grace. We were living a miracle. We were living in the Resurrection.

And as mundane and normal and unremarkable as it is to be in a car with a couple friends, if we are living in the Resurrection, it is beautiful. Any moment can be beautiful. Any moment we choose life over resignation, any moment we choose love over indifference, any moment we choose to kneel in awe—will be absolutely beautiful.

well said

2011-04-17T19:09:00.003-05:00

Alissa is in her last days of pregnancy, one week from the projected delivery day, "great with child" if you will.

Jonya hasn't seen her in a few months and feels her belly. Squeezing the baby Jonya says, "Nope. You're not ripe yet."

Alissa, with the straightest face in the world, says, "That's not where you tell if I'm ripe or not."

music to my ears

2011-04-05T14:30:00.003-05:00

don't give up now
don't give up now cause you're already here
don't give up now
don't give up now we're just facing our fears

sing til you mean it
love til you feel it
'cause i still believe in your heart
don't let the waves
push and pull you away
now you're free and it sets you apart

now you're free and it sets you apart

Matthew Mayfield's new record came out today. I've been waiting for it since last fall.

found

2011-04-04T18:26:00.001-05:00

"If we were judged in moral terms, we wouldn’t perhaps be worthy of attracting the notice of God ... it’s the beauty of us and not the goodness of us that attracts him, finally." —Marilynne Robinson

welcome to weather in the midwest

2011-03-15T10:24:00.002-05:00

A couple years ago some close friends and I went to Bermuda to visit another friend in the winter. It was so great. We got on a plane in the cold, windy snow and got off the plane the next day to warm, breezy sun.

It was much like going to bed last night in the cold, windy snow and waking up today in the warm, breezy sun.

No plane ride needed.

i'm so high class

2011-03-14T17:40:00.000-05:00

Today I walked up to Eggtc. to meet Aaron for breakfast. I figured he'd be there before I was, reading the paper like he does. So when I walked in and the host asked, "How many?" I said, "Two. I'm meeting someone but I think I'm a few minutes late."

He said, "I'll check," and stepped to look into the other room, then doubled back and asked, "Ma'am, are you meeting another lady or a gentleman?"

Without thinking I replied, "Oh. A dude."

blue

2011-03-12T00:32:00.000-06:00

I painted my living room blue on Saturday. It was the nicest day. It was warm and breezy and sunny, so I woke up and made myself pancakes for breakfast. Then I pushed all my furniture to the middle of the room and started working. It makes my whole apartment so much happier and my khaki furniture is no longer drab.

making plans in the street at 3:52am

2011-03-11T17:32:00.006-06:00

Nathan: Come to Nashville soon!

Me: I will my guy. You know I'll be there as soon as I can.

Nathan: I do. Hey this time we'll go to the Andrew Jackson Plantation!!

Me: Ok?

Nathan: You know who he is. He's on the twenty dollar bill.

Me: Oh, I thought he was a country singer.

Nathan: That's Alan Jackson. Good night.

well said

2011-03-09T00:30:00.002-06:00

Daylen introducing himself to Dylan.

"Nice to meet you." [shakes hand]
"What was your name again?"
"Daylen."
[nodding] "Dylan."
"No, DAY-len."
"Yes, Daylen, my name is Dylan."
"Oh wow. That could've gone on forever!"

first friday

2011-03-07T22:12:00.004-06:00

Wow, friends. What a great time of life Friday night was. It was actually quite surreal to be displaying my own work alongside Cari's for people to peruse and purchase. Friends old and new showed up, and it was so fun to connect with folks I hadn't seen in years as well as meet new people and explain the story of our three-and-a-quarter-year-old blog.

I also want to give a special shout-out to Julia (skunk kitten to my possum bait, wild turkey to my raging wildebeest) and Jeremiah for driving two whole hours without telling me just so they could see the look on my face when I realized that I was looking straight at the both of them IN PERSON. Oh man oh man it was the funniest moment in time.

Cari and I seriously have the best friends in the world. People showed up at 6pm and didn't leave until we left with them. Our talented musical buds played music for all to enjoy. People actually bought our art. And the owner, staff, and friends of staff at Bespoke Salon were the most gracious and kind hosts any artists could hope for.

I just can't thank everyone enough for being part of this. Every once in awhile you get a glimpse of yourself through the eyes of people who really love you, and it's usually pretty darn overwhelming. I share this planet with the best people.

Click the pic below for a few snaps of the evening.

an art show!

2011-02-26T13:16:00.007-06:00

Friends! A few of you have been asking for this for a couple years, and a few of you this will be news to ... but Cari and I are finally having a www.cariandamy.blogspot.com art show!

That's right. Many people have shown us lots of love over the past three-plus years by commenting and passing the URL along. It's an idea that we stole from others who've gone before us, but it's become part of our weekly routine and something that we look forward to every Monday.

It all started in 2008 with our love for words and photography. We decided we'd each (separately) post a photo (the rules stated that it had to have a word, or letter, or number in it), so that when we published we'd see them together as one diptych, and it would be a surprise—not only what the other person posted but also the two pictures together and how they complemented one another. "Word." brought us so much joy that in 2009 we featured people and did "Person." In 2010 we decided we wanted to have more outdoor fun, so we decided on "Go outside." It made some of the prettiest diptychs, so when we were given the opportunity to have an art show in the Kansas City Crossroads for First Friday this March, it was a no-brainer. We picked our twelve favorite pairings and got to work.

So everyone come on out for First Friday next week and visit us at Bespoke! Some of our great buds will be playing some great live tunes, too, so you don't want to miss this fun night. [For those asking, the art will be for sale and will be up for the entirety of March.]

Bespoke Salon: 1919 Wyandotte
Friday, March 4, 6–9pm

Special thanks to Cari Williams for working so hard on this with me. This was your great idea, all I did was the math. :)
Also special thanks to:

• Tim Williams and Ryan Heckman—for all the woodcutting, sanding, beveling, and general craftmanship
• Sarah Nichols—for generating our promo material
• John Yourdon and Johny Phayprasert—for opening Bespoke's doors to us
• Jordan Chesley, Dylan Nelson, Kyle Blake, and Ryan Carr—for putting music to the night
• So many of our friends—for being fans of our project and spreading the word ... we'd be blogging for ourselves it if weren't for all y'all!

winter storm whining

2011-02-01T00:50:00.003-06:00

Tonight a storm is supposed to blow in, one that will drop the only seventeen degrees we have to a negative six and bring with it a lot of snow. I can hear the wind chimes on the porch gearing up for it. We keep hearing the words, "snowpocalypse," "blizzard," and "snOMG." It's enough to make a girl want to fly south and just stay there already.

So, in honor of my sanity and our city's collective cabin fever, here is a shot from six months ago, a camping trip during which I got a text from Trevor saying we were absolutely crazy to camp in such 95º humidity.

Ah, dear 95 degrees. I raise my glass to you. Cheers. Come back soon, good friend.

question definitions boldly

2011-01-30T12:57:00.003-06:00

"Each time an unexpected discovery is made in the world of knowledge, it shakes the religious establishment of the day. Now, we are often taught that it is unfaithful to question traditional religious beliefs, but I believe that we must question them continually—not God, not Christ, who are at the center of our lives as believers and creators—but what human beings say about God and about Christ; otherwise, like those of the church establishment of Galileo's day, we truly become God's frozen people. Galileo's discoveries did nothing whatsoever to change the nature of God; they threatened only man's rigid ideas of the nature of God. We must constantly be open to new revelation, which is another way of hearing God, with loving obedience." —Madeleine L'Engle

altitude

2011-01-23T23:49:00.004-06:00

I'm a sea-level girl at heart. But sometimes I wind up in Colorado for a few days and while my stomach hurts the entire time, my eyes make up for it all with how beautiful everything is. I'll take standing at the ocean any day over standing on a mountain, but that in no way diminishes the beauty of standing on a mountain.

happy

2011-01-15T16:29:00.005-06:00

There are times in life that are hard, and there are times in life that are just easy. And in those easy times I think it's a good idea to celebrate how beautiful it all is. So, in no particular order, here is a handful of the things that have been making me so happy lately.

1. My Friends

In the past two weeks so many of my friends and I have become more than just friends ... we're NEIGHBORS now! So many of the people that are my "family" now live within just a couple minutes of my apartment. A few folks already lived on this side of town, but then at the turn of the year five of us joined them. Such great hangs we've been having!

2. www.whenparentstext.com This site has had me in STITCHES.

3. This Apartment.

I really can't tell you how wonderful it is to live here. Why? Because I LOSE WORDS it's so great! I haven't had a place to myself in years, and while I have loved my roommates dearly, I really love living solo. Plus, oh heavens to betsy the radiators. It's so warm in here I've been sweating. And you know how much I love sweating. And to get to sweat in the middle of winter? And hear my wind chimes jingling in the breeze? It's almost as good as it actually being summer. Being warm has totally changed my life—I am no longer constantly in pain and constantly cranky.

4. Technology. I mentioned the other day with video chatting and facetime and all that great stuff that we're getting closer to teleporting. Claire informed me that those things are nothing like teleporting, but they are still great. I love still having great hangs with great buds even though they don't live in this city anymore. I still wish someone would figure out that teleportation thing because it's my dream, but I'm a patient person.

5. For the new place I bought some garage rags that are bright red. I also bought a package of white washcloths. On Thursday I washed them all together and now all my washcloths are the prettiest shade of pink. They go very well in my new bathroom. I like pink.

6. Modern Family. I got really far behind with all the packing and the moving and the being out of town and the holidays. Now I'm catching up on ABC.com. I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME that show is over I just sit there and laugh out loud for a full minute.

7. Being barefoot most of the time. See #3.

8. Decorating. And here's why:
For the last 6 or 7 years I've lived with friends, which is awesome. But now that I've got all these walls to decorate with just my stuff, I needed to get some pictures on the walls. So I've been going back through my Flickr and looking for photos to print and it's just reminded me of how full of love and beauty my life is. I get to run across things like this that I've forgotten about and laugh all over again.

9. I need to circle back to my friends. Guys, it just doesn't get better than this:

10. On Monday, I get on a plane and go see this girl:

She moved to Colorado about a month ago where she's so happy. And that? THAT makes ME happy. :)

unbelievable

2011-01-02T13:30:00.006-06:00

Weirdest thing ever JUST HAPPENED.

Cari and I have this yearly ritual. We head to Latteland on State Line right around the turn of the year to archive the previous year's photo project and set up the www.cariandamy.blogspot.com URL for the coming year. It's great. We get coffee and muffins and push our chairs together and laugh really hard about how bad we are at HTML coding.

Today was no different. We had our coffees and our muffins on the little table right in front of us with our chairs pushed together so we could see each other's laptop screens. A family was occupying the space right in front of us—sitting in a chair and on the hearth around the fireplace. Their two little girls kept coming over and messing with our muffins and coffees, and every time I would simply put my hand on my coffee cup to make sure one of them didn't tip it.

(Mind you, I understand that kids will be kids. I don't expect kids to not mess up or be loud or whatever. I understand that sometimes they're real pieces of work and it's sometimes difficult to keep kids well-behaved in public. I understand that. I would also like to point out there there were two other families in Latteland at the same time whose kids were being kids but not messing with everyone else's stuff.)

Finally, one of the little girls came over and grabbed my muffin and shoved it into my coffee cup, spilling my coffee onto the table, the floor, and my purse. I was visibly annoyed, as annoyed as I would be if I'd spilled my own coffee all over the place. But I wasn't rude, I just simply got up and got napkins to wipe up the mess. The dad said to me, "Are you ok?" I said, "I'm fine," and kept mopping up the coffee. I sat back down and went back to looking at my computer.

Two minutes later, 1-year-old daughter in left arm, that dad sticks his right pointer finger in my face, LITERALLY four inches from my nose, and says, "You're f***ing rude." I was APPALLED. Cari, on her phone, got so flustered, muttered, "I have to go," and dropped her phone in her lap.

"Excuse me?" I said.

"You're f***ing rude. My wife apologized to you like three times."

"Ok. I didn't hear her."

"Are you DEAF?"

"Listen, I didn't SAY ANYTHING TO YOU. I SIMPLY GOT UP AND GOT NAPKINS."

I couldn't get over the fact that HIS KID spilled MY COFFEE on ME and he was yelling AT ME. And I mean yelling. Embarrassingly. And using the f-word in front of his kid and all of the coffee shop. I was shocked. I can't remember everything he said because I was so mad and so shocked, but he kept turning toward the door and then turning back and yelling something at me again. Finally I stood up and said, "YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF MY FACE."

After he left I looked at Cari, completely dumbfounded, and asked if I was in the wrong. She said no. I mean, I did nothing. His big loud world crashed into my quiet peaceful world and all I did was pick up the pieces. Apparently he wanted me to accept it with open arms and ... I'm not sure? Verbally accept an apology that I never heard? What did he want me to do?? Accidents happen. I cleaned it up in silence. Are you really yelling at me for MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS??

I was shaking I was so mad; so startled. I'm such a non-confrontational person. But Cari said I defended myself well. I didn't calm down at all until I got the best text from Nathan: "If I spill your drink on you I will be so pissed." Thanks my bud for making me laugh so hard I used up the rest of the adrenaline in my system.

18–22

2010-12-15T00:37:00.003-06:00

Every time I pack to move house I wind up going through old things, looking them over and remembering. This time is no different. I was packing away all my old journals and picked one up to flip through. College.

As I read I started to feel almost jealous of myself. Where did the years go? Or a better question, where did the freedom go? Those were really the best of days. I don't know what it was—the combination of people, the absence of the Internet, our age?

The entry: Tonight there was a lunar eclipse and we all stood outside and sang to the moon until we got tired.

I remember that night. It was freshman year and I lived in the dorms. We just sat outside waiting for the cosmos to wow us until about 5:30am and sang every song we knew in the meantime. That was fall. In the spring I moved across campus to live with Chris, and she and I would skip class to go to the baseball games. We listened to country music and smoked Marlboro Reds because that's what you do when you're ag majors. We ate supper almost every night at Just Barbecue which was inside the old Esso gas station. As the years pass the memories get better: countless nights sitting on Jodie and Prosser's front porch, 2am Krispy Kreme runs with Robin and Terese, or that year we rented the house out in the country—the one with the pool and the treehouse and we built the potato gun.

In 1996 the Olympics were in Atlanta, which was only an hour and a half south of Clemson, where we were. Robin worked at this Mexican restaurant called Tigritos, and they had no clientele because they didn't have air conditioning. So we'd all go hang out there—me, Terese, both Erics, and both Matts—and play darts in the cantina and watch the Olympics on TV.

I know it sounds so ordinary, but it was magical. It was the best of times.

well said

2010-12-08T21:07:00.003-06:00

Me: "Wow this house is really warm when the heat is actually blowing."

Bethany: "What about the Mormons?"

ryan + claire

2010-12-04T11:06:00.007-06:00

The beauty of not being a photographer as your bread-winning profession is that when you get asked to do a session, it's usually by your friends—meaning, it ain't work friends, it's run-like-Phoebe FUN. About a month ago I got the pleasure of spending the entire day with my incredible friends Ryan and Claire, taking some pics as they round out their third year of being married. (Then we went suit shopping for Ryan, grabbed a handful of our friends and got dinner, then made a fire in their fireplace and had a great hang with all our buds, but that is beside the point. We do that stuff every weekend.)

I met Ryan a little over a year ago and was just wowed by his friendly demeanor, optimistic view on life, and incredible sense of humor. Eventually I met Claire and she has become one of my best friends over the course of this last year—caring, sarcastic, talented, honest, and (if I dare say) even funnier than her husband. And the night they added little Gert to their family I got a text with the cutest picture of the cutest puppy the minute they brought her into their home.

We took plenty of Christmas-card-worthy shots and portraits that could be flipped through by their kids in ten years to see what Mom and Dad looked like "before." But it would've been impossible to not wind up with a large number of depictions of hilarity, considering that one of the things we all do so well is laugh.

The previous owners of their house left this (add your adjective of choice here) statue in their backyard when they moved. So, obviously we had to re-create it. I mean, of course. Personally I think they did an incredible job.

I seriously can't put into words how thankful I am for these two. It's absolutely beautiful how much they love each other, and it's absolutely beautiful how much they both love me. They're just the best.

update on the year of no bad news

2010-11-26T12:58:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was absolutely perfect. It was Thanksgiving, and I pretty much spent the whole entire day being thankful. Last Thanksgiving wasn't as great. I spent the morning crying and didn't eat the whole day. It was a boy thing. We'd broken up on Tuesday, so by Thursday it was still a fresh wound and I wasn't in the mood to be thankful for much of anything. But my friends Jon and Alissa put their collective foot down and MADE me come over to their house. They didn't make me eat or be fake happy, but Alissa rubbed my shoulders and Jon plugged his iPhone into the stereo and opened up the Atomic Fart app and we spent a good hour trying to name the farts as I laughed for the first time in three days.

This Thanksgiving I woke up happy and texted Jon and Alissa saying, "Happy plug the phone into the loudspeakers and name the fart sounds day." I spent the first half of the day bonding with my cat Sam and watching Thanksgiving episodes of Friends while I enjoyed the quiet and solitude. Then I had steak for lunch, for anyone who knows me at all knows that I will ALWAYS reach for red meat over a bird any day.

Then I went to the Chesley/Copley house and watched football and traded backrubs with Rachel and hugged my friend Nathan who was in town from Nashville. Then we all played Telephone Pictionary and JoJo made us all laugh so hard that we cried. And after most people had fallen asleep Jordan, Nathan, Dakota, and I went to QuikTrip, got snacks, and had a great little hang in the truck with the heat on full blast. It was the best day.

And this morning, when Claire texted me and I smiled because I love seeing her name pop up on my phone, I realized that I have a whole lot of people in my life to be thankful for that I didn't even know last Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong, I have the most amazing friends that have been my friends for longer than a year, but 2010 has added so many more wonderful personalities to my life that I never expected. It truly has been a year to be thankful for; a year of no bad news.

God gives lonely people a family. He sets prisoners free, and they go out singing. —Psalm 68:6

well said

2010-11-21T01:02:00.004-06:00

Waiting in the drive-through at McDonald's:

Ryan: Did you see that on Jimmy Kimmel?

Jordan: You mean Jimmy Fallon?

Ryan: Fallon.

Jordan: You said Kimmel.

Ryan: I did. It wasn't.

finally ready

2010-11-15T16:40:00.004-06:00

Well, it's halfway through November, but I think I'm finally ready to let go of summer. For some reason it felt like I never had any closure. But last week our staff flew to Pawleys Island, South Carolina to meet up with some other church planters and learn from each other, and one morning I got up at 6:15am to walk to the beach and back in 40º before getting to our first meeting of the day. (Getting up at 6:15 willingly and walking around outside in 40º willingly are two things very uncharacteristic of me. My love for the ocean runs deep.)

I left the hotel just a few minutes before sunrise and walked out into the quietest and coldest and most beautiful morning. When I got to the path that said "Beach Access" I had This Will Destroy You's Burial on the Presidio Banks blasting in my ears and right at 6m20s where the song explodes, the sun burst above the boardwalk like my life had a soundtrack written especially for it.

So I crossed the boardwalk and stepped into the sand and walked right up to where the water was leaving foam on the sand and just stood there and watched the waves crash and wiggle into the shore and then run back out. I watched the birds dance around in the chilly sunrise and thought about how small I am on this planet and how the ocean is my favorite magical thing on earth.

We went back to the ocean that night before dinner, and then the next night again. And for some reason, all that beauty and all that power and all that glory was sufficient closure to summer for me.

I love Kansas City. I love the midwest and how incredibly, amazingly beautiful it is. But in perfect inexplicable Amy form, the one thing I want to do when anything gets sideways is take to the sea.

on summer

2010-11-04T15:42:00.002-05:00

While lamenting the demise of glorious summer I was flipping back through some photos from July and August. I just love this shot, not only because I love kayaks and bodies of water and dusk and summer, but because that day was quite possibly one of the most perfect.

August 1st. It was so hot, and it was the day of our Gathering Network baptism. We all congregated out at Shawnee Mission Park and everyone brought food and drinks and we had the biggest cookout. Some great friends got baptized in the lake, and the cool water was just perfect on that incredibly hot day. Still in our sopping wet clothes from the baptism, we cleaned up the meal and procured an unused field for a few games of ultimate frisbee. I sat happily on a blanket and looked back through photographs of the day, and took some more as the sun was falling. That's when I got this shot, while all my buds were playing ultimate. When that was over we just hung out for hours at Andy's house and smoked hookah until we got hungry or tired or maybe a little bit of both. Those that were tired went to find their beds, and those who were hungry went to Denny's. Brother, Dylan, Cramble and I had the greatest of times at the 24-hour-diner, and then decided it would be a real shame for the night to end. So we each got in our cars and headed across the railroad tracks where we got stopped at a train. We all had our windows down and I had Prince cranked high, so Brother got out of his car and climbed on top of it and just danced like Brother does. We all got out and danced. It was the best. Then we set up a tent in Cramble's backyard as the birds were starting to wake and never even slept because we were laughing too hard about anything and everything. We just lay there giggling, still grimy from lake water, sweating profusely in the humid sunrise. Nowhere to be and nothing to do but be happy with the wonder of being together.

week one of november and it's not lookin' good

2010-11-03T23:20:00.001-05:00

I have got to get in a better mood about winter.

It's the weirdest thing. Usually the coming of winter never affects me negatively, but this year, wowza. I'm grumpy, I'm cold, and I'm irritated at how early it gets dark. I just really miss summer. The bare feet, the screened porch, the cicadas, the car windows down, the long days with a sunset just before 9pm. I miss the days where you breathe in the air and it's heavy with humidity, warming your soul and wrapping you in a blanket of happiness and life.

I know that winter is beautiful. I know that the skies are so blue and clear and that when the snow falls it's one of the prettiest phenomenons in the world. And I love wearing scarves, for sure. Normally those things make me excited and giddy, but this year they just make me shiver and whimper.

Today when I met up with Jon at Starbucks I sat in the direct sunlight drinking a hot tea, holding it with both hands without the cardboard sleeve to heat up my freezing hands. And even though I had on wool socks and fur-lined boots my feet never did warm up. I looked at him and in all seriousness said, "Jon, I really may have to move to a warmer climate."

Key West, you may want to leave a light on for me. Weather dot com says you're 82º with 80% humidity, and that sounds remarkably like heaven to me.

friennaissance & anniappleversary

2010-11-02T23:04:00.006-05:00

One year ago today my AT&T contract came up for renewal. I used twitter's direct messaging and asked a guy I'd talked to maybe twice if he was working at the Apple Store that day. He said yes and that he was setting aside a black 3GS for me.

That day was the beginning of two very beautiful things: a) my friendship with Nathan, and b) my addiction to my iPhone.

I really love November 2nd.

november

2010-11-01T23:07:00.000-05:00

It's November already. It seems like just yesterday it was March or something. I just wasn't ready for summer to be done with; I think I still had some defrosting to do. But lo and behold, it's November and I already can't feel my feet.

Here's to winter being just as great as summer was.

happy halfbirthday to me

2010-10-18T23:59:00.001-05:00

It was 11 o'clock in the evening before I realized it was my halfbirthday today. I think Natalie was mid-sentence when I happened to glance at my phone or computer or something that said October 18 and I interrupted her, "Today's my halfbirthday!"

Interestingly, it was the best of days. Every year when my realbirthday rolls around I know the problem: we have expectations. And when expectations aren't met, we're disappointed. This is the exact reason that I love the Fourth of July and hate New Year's Eve.

Looking back on my day, I realized it was the best halfbirthday in the world. I ...

1. had the day off
2. woke up at noon
3. ate whatever I wanted all day and didn't work out
4. watched two entire discs of Gilmore Girls
5. sat with my cat while he slept on me
6. had an impromptu dinner with Cari and Natalie
7. made chocolate chip cookies, ate the dough, and never baked them
8. never showered
9. enjoyed not one—but TWO—thunderstorms, and
10. had some great conversations with some great friends.

I'm glad I didn't realize it was my halfbirthday until 11pm. If I'd realized it earlier, I think I'd have tried too hard, and this day wouldn't have turned out nearly as beautifully as it did.

"The best made plans are your open hands." —Deb Talan

good poetry

2010-09-29T17:46:00.002-05:00

Gosh. He's just so good. Find his stuff here.

GETTING QUIT by Dallas Clayton

When was the last time you painted your face?
Not for any reason, or special day,
just for fun, to look like an animal you appreciate
or to give yourself a cool moustache
or a teardrop, like a prisoner who has killed someone.
How would your boss feel about that?
He’d probably think it was awesome and give you a raise.
And if he didn’t?
Well, that’s not the kind of place you need to be working anyhow.

listing

2010-09-25T23:43:00.002-05:00

I was catching up on about a month of unread blogs tonight, and I came across this thing Bethany did where she wrote down ten things she'd tell her 17-year-old self if given the chance. Someone else had posted such a list and she copied the idea, and I hate to be that person, the one who copies ideas, but then I figured I could just call it inspiration instead of imitation, because after all there really isn't anything that I do that hasn't been done before. So, in honor of Bethany AND the ones who went before her, here is a list.

Ten Things I Would Have Told My 17-Year-Old Self, Given The Chance

1. Stop worrying about trying to be cool. You are cool. And all the people you're trying to impress end up in rehab.

2. You don't need to search so hard for a far-away university. Go on ahead to the state university; you'll have more fun than you'll ever have again in your life and you'll get to move away afterwards.

3. Forget about that stupid boy. You're going to miss out on a lot of great guys if you stay hung up on him.

4. Stop doing so much homework. It's not going to matter, college is so much easier than high school, and if you make a B (or C or D), no one is EVER GOING TO CARE.

5. Learn to fix your hair, girl. They make this stuff called product. And wax your eyebrows.

6. Keep taking pictures. And don't let people tell you it's a waste of time and money.

7. Wear sunscreen.

8. Quit piano lessons. You suck at it. But play your guitar at least twice as much as you do.

9. Don't ever miss an episode of Northern Exposure, because when you go to college your dumb roommate will throw a fit when you try to watch it and she's trying to sleep.

10. Spend more time with Mrs. Davis & Mrs. Swanson. They are incredible literature and writing teachers and you would do well to soak up everything they are willing to share with you.

about as true as it gets

2010-09-21T12:03:00.002-05:00

Lay me down on shores of the whitest sand
Soft like that woman with the fight of a thousand men
And if you find the key, would you set me free?
If you find the key, would you set me free?

I’m screaming to God,
"Would you come and save what you’ve either forgotten or you’re strengthening?
I’ve finally paid the toll and it’s all open road.
Just trying to find a home; take me home."

Violet iris and lilies in bloom for spring,
enticing—the silence—a song that we all can sing.
And if you find the key, would you set me free?
If you find the key, would you set me free?

I’m screaming to God,
"Would you come and save what you’ve either forgotten or you’re strengthening?
I’ve finally paid the toll and it’s all open road.
Just trying to find a home; take me home."

We’re tired and changing
Heartbeats are fading
Our days are numbered
The clocks, they keep ticking
I’ve been deserted
My feelings perverted
By a pissed off and ripped off machine cycle circus
When we look in the mirror it shatters with shame
Our faces are bloody and sour with disdain
I have seen what you are and I have seen who I am
and we are desperate, we’re desperate, we’re desperate for home…
Home.

Lay me down on shores of the whitest sand
Soft like that woman with the fight of a thousand men

well said

2010-09-05T03:14:00.003-05:00

We were telling a story about the game Telephone Pictionary at dinner.

Nathan: And one ended up Mummy Stinky Feet!

Me: Didn't it start out like that?

Nathan: It wouldn't start out like that, that doesn't even make any sense!

Me: Oh yeah, you're right. It started out French Fried Mummy Bag.

Nathan: Yes! It DID start out French Fried Mummy Bag!

Angela: Because THAT makes sense.

big day

2010-08-27T23:27:00.000-05:00

Today, my parents celebrated 44 years of being married to each other.

I think that calls for major cheers.

foreshadowing

2010-08-14T02:12:00.002-05:00

Lately it's been that part of the year in Kansas City where it gets above 100º every day. And I, of course, kind of like it because it's the one time of year that my feet don't get cold and I don't need a sweatshirt stashed in my car or bag at all times. I realize that it would be uncomfortable to, say, kickbox at noon in direct sunlight, but I like the way I can be outside at midnight in shorts and a tank top and flip flops and not be cold. I love how the humidity takes such good care of my skin that I don't need moisturizer. I love that the days are long and that the cicadas are loud. I love that I can go swimming and not get chilled when I get out. I love getting into my car when it's so, so hot and all the muscles in my neck and back just have to relax.

All week I've been looking forward to tonight. A night at home, alone, to sit on the screened-in porch and enjoy the silence coupled with the song of the cicadas. Time to read, eat some dinner, sit and think about absolutely nothing at all. As it turns out, I wasn't the only one excited about tonight, because God brought this series of amazing thunderstorms to the party. Sam was a little unnerved by all the lighting and thunder and hid himself in perfect cat-like form underneath my rocking chair, but I loved every moment of it. Even when the wind picked up so much that I got drenched by the rain.

Another amazing thing happened, too. The temperature dropped from 102º to 72º and I had to go inside and get a sweatshirt. Which has left me thinking of fall, and how the nights are cool and I can put the comforter back on the bed. How pretty soon I'll wear shoes every day and we'll do that thing where we all go out to Louisburg and eat doughnuts and drink root beer. How the leaves will turn and we'll take deep breaths and life will slow down and magic will fill the air.

surprised by joy

2010-07-29T12:43:00.002-05:00

Saturday I am going to a wedding of a good friend of mine. She is 23, and she is marrying a wonderful man who is also 23. I can't imagine them with anyone else, and I can't imagine them not marrying, and I'm very happy for them. But I can't help thinking about my own age, and what—perhaps—I have done so wrong in my life to warrant not being given my mate at 23, and marrying him, and not having to have lived my twenties all by myself. I get sad and angry and pouty.

But I am sitting on my screened-in porch during an incredible thunderstorm and something (God, maybe?) kicks in I think about what might have happened had I married the boyfriend I had when I was 23. Kevin was a good boyfriend. He was sweet and good-looking and we'd write poetry together and play Scrabble in coffeeshops. But he moved to Indiana to go to law school and we didn't love each other enough to make the long-distance thing work, so after a year and a half of life together we said goodbye and each went to spend Christmas with our own families.

And who knows what life is like in his world these days, but I can think that maybe if I'd married him that I'd be a lawyer's wife in Indiana, with a mortgage and a lawn that is always in need of a good weeding. I'd probably have an 8-5 job and spend the rest of my time cleaning up after a couple kids. I might have short hair, and a dog instead of Sam. I probably would have never started following Jesus, never become a photographer, never would have met the friends I so dearly love in my life. Every single picture on my Flickr would not exist, every memory I have with Cari would never have been created, and this little cat that delights me so much would be driving someone else crazy instead of me.

The things that fill my life start to fill my brain and my heart and right now instead of feeling sad and angry and pouty I feel lucky and overwhelmed and drenched in joy. It's just like that quote, Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it back again. [Frances Rodman] So many times I tend to focus on what I don't have in my life right now, when I should just be standing in awe of all that I do have in my life right now.

So to every person I've met since I was 23, I wouldn't trade you for the world ... especially not a mortgage and kids in Indiana. As for me, I'm going to make lunch for myself and continue to enjoy this amazing thunderstorm with Sam.

I love this life; Lord forgive me for all the times I forget that.

i'm still here

2010-07-25T13:36:00.020-05:00

Gosh. Life gets wound up pretty tightly sometimes. Twenty-three days since my last post; that's almost a month.

First of all, we moved. And to keep him from tripping someone up and killing them while they were graciously handling our furniture, I carted Sam up to Cari's apartment for a couple days so he could party with Henry. Turns out that cats don't really remember having lived together and being the best of buds a couple years earlier, and they hissed and growled and kept Cari awake for two nights straight cat fighting. Cari captured this.

Secondly, I went to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for the first time in my life. Jessica and I always seem to run into the strangest adventures when we travel together to photograph weddings, and this trip didn't disappoint. We had the full gamut of awesome laughs to are-you-freaking-serious circumstances, but we did manage to stay out of the ER and not lose our keys halfway across the country. (We did, however, manage to halfway board the wrong plane and lose a boarding pass, but those proved to be more funny than detrimental.) And truly, it was so great to get away from real life for a few days and hang with one of my greatest friends.

Thirdly, Trevor drove away to spend the next three years in law school in North Dakota. But before he did that Ryan and Nathan (Co-Presidents of the newly formed Deep Hang Committee) organized the best hang to date. Deep Hang 2012 (we live in the future) was the best night ever. And then before Nathan drove back to Nashville, he, Aaron, and I had a little Deep Hang 2012 encore and explored a castle in Kansas City.

Wow. My life is really full of the most amazing people I could never dream up. Thank you my friends for rocking so hard.

truest of true

2010-07-02T23:28:00.002-05:00

Great Things Have Happened
—by Alden Nowlan [1933–1983]

We were talking about the great things
that have happened in our lifetimes;
and I said, "Oh, I suppose the moon landing
was the greatest thing that has happened
in my time." But, of course, we were all lying.
The truth is the moon landing didn't mean
one-tenth as much to me as one night in 1963
when we lived in a three-room flat in what once had been
the mansion of some Victorian merchant prince
(our kitchen had been a clothes closet, I'm sure),
on a street where by now nobody lived
who could afford to live anywhere else.
That night, the three of us, Claudine, Johnnie and me,
woke up at half-past four in the morning
and ate cinnamon toast together.

"Is that all?" I hear somebody ask.

Oh, but we were silly with sleepiness
and, under our windows, the street-cleaners
were working their machines and conversing in Italian, and
everything was strange without being threatening,
even the tea-kettle whistled differently
than in the daytime: it was like the feeling
you get sometimes in a country you've never visited
before, when the bread doesn't taste quite the same,
the butter is a small adventure, and they put
paprika on the table instead of pepper,
except that there was nobody in this country
except the three of us, half-tipsy with the wonder
of being alive, and wholly enveloped in love.

the best things in life are hard to come by, but sometimes the best things come from accident —david ramirez

2010-07-01T20:36:00.004-05:00

So, we all know that quote by Anais Nin, the one that goes, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." Well, I most definitely believe it to be true.

The other day Cari told me that when she tells people how she got into photography, that she always has to go back to me and that weekend at the lake with our cameras, and when she told me that, I thought my heart was going to explode. It's like we've grown as photographers together for the last five years, and I honestly believe that if it weren't for her I wouldn't be anywhere remotely where I am today when it comes to the love of film [or a digital sensor] and light and composition and all the random and blindingly beautiful things we get to capture and share with the world. And Lord knows what the world would do if it didn't have www.cariandamy.blogspot.com to check every Monday. It might implode.

In a similar but (of course) unique way, my friend Nathan has awakened in me a very latent love for music. I remember being in college and lying on the floor with music blaring, intently paying attention to lyrical genius or focusing in on the electric guitar behind all the other instruments and sometimes having to squeeze my eyes shut at the intense beauty of it. Somewhere in my adult life of responsibility and boring shit I lost that fascination. But this new, dear friend of mine has such an adoration for music that he kind of leaves a trail of it wherever he goes. And he will sit and have long conversations with me about this one note or that one lyric and I absolutely love it. [Oh, and his love for music doesn't just stop at hearing ... he MAKES some of the most amazing music I've ever heard. If you haven't been lucky enough to hear Nathan play, at least go listen to a little bit of his and roommate Noffy's current band, The Sailor Sequence, although TSS is only a percentage of where you may have heard him.]

Anyway. One artist that I never would've heard of without Nathan's influence is David Ramirez. You really, really, really need to check him out. His most recent album, American Soil, just lived my life for me while driving back from my last trip to Nashville. This album goes with solo road trips like biscuits go with gravy. The review on reverbnation.com says of David, a voice that both roars and whispers and lyrics that both tear and mend. Truer words could not be spoken.

Probably the thing that got me to queue up American Soil on my ipod as I drove west toward Kansas City was the fact that Nathan and I had just gotten to see David Ramirez at 12th & Porter the week I was in Nashville visiting. Seeing an artist live is one way to solidify them in or out of my heart forever. This guy was solidified in. It was just him and his guitar (except for Fires, which he played on the keyboard and you could've heard a pin drop), and it was raw and delightful and funny and sexy and real and well ... just give him a listen and see for yourself. He has this way about him and just one instrument that seems to have more depth than a full band. Do yourself a favor and go buy his album, but I'm putting this video here in my post just so that you're sure not to walk away and let this one go.

vacation

2010-06-16T17:06:00.004-05:00

I know everybody has a different idea of what vacation is. And even I have different ideas of what a good vacation is depending on what everyday life is like in a given season. Sometimes it's so great to wander off into the woods in Colorado and breathe in some good, clean air. Other times it's so great to just park yourself on a lounge chair on a white beach and listen to nothing but the ocean lapping in on the sand. Other times it's great to head off to see family and eat Grandma's home cookin'.

But this week I'm just hanging in Nashville with a handful of buds. No agendas, no schedules, no work. Good food, good music, good company.

Just perfect.

never a dull moment

2010-06-12T13:09:00.002-05:00

It's a rainy Saturday morning and Natalie and I are both lying on the couches with our laptops in our laps. We're watching track and field on TV because Saved By The Bell was over.

We both get up at the same time and walk in the same direction.

She asks me, "Are you going to the bathroom?"

"No, I'm going to the laundry room," I say.

"Oh, well I'm going to the bathroom."

"I'm glad we got that cleared up."

"Yeah. Good talk."

june 4 ... apparently i should count my blessings

2010-06-04T23:55:00.006-05:00

Today, Cari informed me that it was Hug Your Cat Day.

Naturally, I replied, "Well, it's a good thing. Because apparently around here it's always Hug Your Human Day." Those of you who know Sam know that he won't let you get away without a good, long, sometimes-forced hug from him.

This is what The Internet had to say:

Hug Your Cat Day
When: June 4th

Today is Hug Your Cat Day. Go ahead and give your cat a big, furry hug. Cat lovers can really get into this day. If you're a cat lover, you can really appreciate the warm, cozy feeling you get when you curl up on a couch or chair and hug your cat. The only problem is your cat will most likely only allow a brief hug before sauntering away. If your cat is a true hugger, count your blessings. Dog lovers ... sorry, but hugging your dog will not suffice. If you are going to be "into" this day, you simply must hug a cat ... your cat. Don't have a cat? You can correct this today. The month of June is Adopt a Cat Month.

insomnia

2010-06-04T03:05:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was looking through some old documents on my computer when I came across some notes I'd taken while listening to an interview with Marilynne Robinson on NPR. I just really like her. Not only as a writer, but as a thinker, as a person of faith, as a person in general. She has this kind and soothing voice, and she says the funniest things at the most perfect moments, as if she is amused and delighted by life and all the random good and bad that we all encounter in this being human thing.

For example, recently I went to an event at the Kansas City Public Library where Marilynne was being interviewed. In the midst of all her brilliant words and gracious overlooking of other people's lack of knowledge of her writing, she got her bracelet stuck (by talking with her hands, delightfully) on her lapel mic. She moved on gracefully while trying to unhook it, only to get it more and more attached at which point she finally stopped her train of thought, looked at it not annoyed but amused, and said, "Well isn't this odd." It was one of the funniest things I'd ever heard.

Anyway, back to the notes I took on that interview. I'd written this down:

"Other people’s lives seem more comprehensible. What you see other people do seems understandable, because you don’t understand their doubt or their anxiety or their duplicity."

It's so true. None of us are superhuman. We're all lost and lonely, fumbling toward whatever it is that we desire most. And oftentimes we even get distracted from that and wind up staring at our shoes or at the stars and getting either more confused or more clear.

People are always telling me I seem to have it all together. I don't know if they're trying to be nice or if they really mean it, but I have more doubt, anxiety, and duplicity than I know what to do with.

In that same interview Marilynne also said that if we were judged in moral terms, we wouldn’t perhaps be worthy of attracting the notice of God; that it's our beauty and not our goodness that attracts him, finally.

Now isn't that the best news in the world. Because whatever hits our goodness takes from our doubt and our anxiety and our duplicity, the simple fact that he made us makes us each and every one beautiful.

spending memorial day with my favorite boy

2010-05-31T17:31:00.007-05:00

All day long I've been singing Chin Up to Sam. He always seem so distraught until he's in my arms.

I feel a little bit like Patty Griffin who wrote Heavenly Day for her dog.

"Owning a pet is the best thing about being human. No other animal takes a completely different species into its home, providing food and shelter, just for the pleasure of its company." —Patricia Fish

just never saw that coming

2010-05-22T23:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, every once in a blue moon, something happens that you just never could have predicted. And after it happens, whoever happened to witness it just stands around in complete disbelief, asking, "Did that really just happen?"

And so goes last night.

A bunch of us were hanging out on Crystal's front porch having a grand old time, enjoying the first truly warm day of spring. As a handful of us were leaving, we heard an absolutely blood-curdling scream come from Blakely's car. From Blakely. The girl who never screams. A couple of us ran over to find her white-faced, shocked beyond belief.

She was sitting in her driver's seat with the door open, and just below her open door was a dumped out frappuccino, a Starbucks cup, and a very dead and wet little white mouse.

Not yet calm, Blakely proceeded to tell us that she'd had a frappuccino on Wednesday. She didn't drink it all. She left it in her car. No big deal. She noticed it was starting to smell. She decided she'd dump it out before driving home. AND THERE WAS A MOUSE IN IT.

Sick. Sick sick sick.

The kicker is, where did the mouse come from? Her car is clean, do we all just have mice running around our cars? And what must it have been like to watch the little guy, scurrying up the sloping frappuccino lid thinking he'd found the motherlode? Did he shimmy down the straw like the poles in a fire station? Did he think, "oh shit!" as he slipped into the sugary mess and started treading frap for dear life? Dear goodness HOW LONG DID THIS PROCESS TAKE? My heart goes out to the little guy.

But not nearly as much as my heart goes to Blakely, who has all day had the willies every time she gets in her car and will probably never, ever, in her entire life be able to drink a frappuccino again.

Oh and by the way, the entire street STUNK to high heaven after she dumped him out on the ground. And, in lieu of posting the photo right here, I'll just post a link you can click to see this uncanny turn of events.

what happens in the car

2010-05-16T02:42:00.002-05:00

The scene: Driving back from Jason and Mindy's wedding. Cari is talking about the difference in face-to-face communication and e-mail/text ... like the lack of tone and what can be lost in one or the other.

Blakely, from the back seat: "Yeah, that's the... that right there is the... THAT... exactly... that's... the... problem."

I start to just die laughing, then Blakely starts to laugh—realizing that she said absolutely NOTHING with that string of words.

Cari: "What?"

Me: "Did you not just hear Blakely?"

Cari: "What, did she fart?"

noticing

2010-05-09T12:55:00.003-05:00

Last night I went for a walk. It's chilly for this time of year, so it felt like October. It was about 9 o'clock in the evening and I was walking my usual route through our old neighborhood with all the trees that meet over each street creating a canopy. I was sort of absent-mindedly marveling at how beautiful of a night it was when these words came through my headphones into my ears:

My eyes are small, but they have seen // the beauty of enormous things.

I looked up just then and noticed Venus rising in the twilight. My little eyes, on little me, here in Kansas, on this tiny blue planet ... I just looked up and there was a piece of the universe, just minding her own business up there, shining as Venus does.

And this morning, I made my usual breakfast of plain yogurt with almonds and honey. I sat down with my coffee and my cat, and he watched me eat it, patiently. We do this ritual daily; when I finish I set down the bowl and say, "Ok boy, it's all yours." He walks over and licks the bowl clean. And no matter how many times we do this ritual, I just love it. It never, ever gets old.

This life is full of enormous beauty.

vacay

2010-05-01T00:01:00.002-05:00

Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. My family has been vacationing there almost every summer since before I was born, and it never loses one bit of beauty.

I still had a remnant of bronchitis on the way there, and the plane rides coupled with the one hour of sleep I got before our insanely early flight took me straight out of commission the moment we got there and I crashed hard. But I awoke to steaks on the grill and baked potatoes and broccoli, and it was all just uphill from there. We ate tapas and fishes and drank wines and beers, we had lots of strawberry shortcake and sun chips. We swam in the ocean and soaked up many, many much-needed rays, took pictures, shopped, napped—it was just great.

Click for a photo tour.

good news

2010-04-25T23:57:00.003-05:00

When we read the account of Creation in the book of Genesis, it sounds like the beginning of a fantasy novel.

A river flowed from Eden to water the garden, and from there it divided to make four streams. The first is named the Pishon, and this winds all through the land of Havilah where there is gold. The gold of this country is pure; bdellium and cornelian stone are found there. The second river is named the Gihon, and this winds all through the land of Cush. The third river is named the Tigris, and this flows to the east of Ashur. The fourth river is the Euphrates.

You really expect the author to continue, Living in a cave in the middle of Eden was a blue dragon named Alister. His wingspan was wide as the Euphrates, the river not the widest but the wildest...

But he doesn't. If Yahweh God fashioned a blue dragon named Alister and set him in the Garden of Eden, the author did not deem it worthy enough to take notice of.

He did, however, take note of Adam. A smaller, two-legged creature with hands instead of wings and a nose that protruded but didn't breathe fire. For it was what God did to Adam that made him noteworthy. The account says, Yahweh God shaped man from the soil of the ground and blew the breath of life into his nostrils. He put a little bit of himself inside of him. He blew life into where there was no life. I think this may be the moment that beauty came to reside in the human heart, for there is really no other way that it could've gotten there.

So into Adam God breathes himself, and for as long as the Earth has spun round its axis we have not been able to explain it or contain it or rid ourselves of it. We perpetuate beauty because it keeps us alive in a way that oxygen and blood and water never will. And God perpetuates it everywhere and in everything because when he breathes it just drips from him and we, as his creation, are saturated.

The danger, however, is that we feel at home with beauty. It's the image of Yahweh God in us; it's where we reflect him. But it's not beauty that we ultimately long for, it's God Himself, and beauty is the thread that connects us. It's a golden thread inside each one of us, woven into Adam and part of our DNA now forever. It's the thread that winds through all the brokenness in this world ... a golden, burning thread that is holy. It seems to me that this thread is what holds us together—makes us a people instead of billions of separate persons. It’s this thread that puts the “kind” in “mankind”, reminding us that even though we are separate, individual and unique men and women, we each have a spark of holy in us being that God breathed it into us. And I believe that when that spark connects with God, it finds its source and flares—it becomes a fire and we feel it. But sometimes we stop before we reach God; we rub up against beauty and it reminds us of how we're supposed to feel when everything's right with the world and we run after it because we forget that while we're on this planet that something is always going to be wrong with the world.

But our stories aren't any different from the stories when our planet was young. Those stories generally involve more livestock, and we have the Internet. But we all get melancholy, we all get excited, and we all let each other down, and we all come through for each other. We all dream and search for the stuff that makes us feel more alive than the normal day-to-day. And we all, sometimes, idolize something beautiful instead of letting that beauty connect us to the God we long for. But that—that is not beauty's problem. It is a problem with brokenness and lostness, which is not what we are talking about here.

What we are talking about here is good news. We're talking about why I believe God to be real.

When the Earth got lost and kept stumbling over itself, Yahweh God breathed life into it a second time. He somehow folded himself up as a baby and got born in the natural way of humans. He took the earthly name Jesus and he spread beauty far and wide—it dripped from his mouth and from his fingertips. Then he did the most unexplainable and unpredictable thing the Earth could never imagine: he died. And then he came back to life. And there is no science and no logic—no anything apart from beauty—that could explain a move like that. Life, right there, right in the middle of death. Unscientific, illogical, beautiful.

I firmly believe that if there is one place more than any other where Satan tries to lie to us, it's here. He will tell us that the world isn't beautiful, that it's fruitless and foul and isn't worth paying attention to. He'll say that this world is no place for compassion; that if you don't want to get eaten alive you'd better become a cynic. He'll tell us that we're not beautiful. He'll convince us that we're unloved and unlovable, which is complete bunk because if you and I are anything in this world, we are loved. And if you don't believe me just watch the sun rise and the rain fall. Learn the rules of baseball and marvel at how it all works together. Read a fairy tale and see if you don't want a blue dragon named Alister. Find some music you love and listen to it loud. Look through a telescope. Look through a microscope. Look to your left and to your right and see the image of God in the person you're next to. Look past the parts that are broken and you'll see the golden thread: strong and unbreakable, surging with life.

The fact that we are created and loved is mystery enough. The fact that we've blatantly disregarded Yahweh God as much as we have as mankind and he still cares about this planet enough to keep it going each day is an even greater mystery. But that he would then, on top of all his life and all his grace, give us beauty as well? That he would put a golden thread inside of us to remind us that no matter how much pain we encounter, there is enough beauty to counter it? That he would place inside of us a mirror of himself, a spark of holy that becomes a raging fire when we connect with him? It's certainly not scientific proof, but—to me—it's good news, it's undeniable truth.

My brain cannot create a god who makes flowers come up from a broken earth. If God were not real there would be no Eden, no four rivers, no imagination to create a blue dragon named Alister. Only God can make beautiful things out of the dust. Only God can breathe life where there is none. And what is beauty, if it isn't simply life in death?

staff retreat 2010

2010-04-23T13:26:00.008-05:00

I really, really have the best job in the world. Not only do I love it and have amazing co-workers, but every year the operations team puts together the greatest little vacation for us in the Ozarks. We head to Tan-Tar-A (which has become so familiar and comforting in the past few years) and just hang together. It's the best way to spend the second week in April ... every single year. Click the photos to see the rest.

for cari, a gift in return

2010-04-22T01:45:00.003-05:00

birthday present

2010-04-21T20:18:00.003-05:00

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. —Anais Nin

Please look at what Cari did. It's just so great.

Thanks Nym.

april 18

2010-04-18T11:41:00.002-05:00

Today is my birthday! I love my birthday. It's like my own little holiday. But I share this day, as best as I can do the math, with this little guy. Happy birthday, Sam. You bring very large amounts of joy to my life, boy.

most impeccable timing

2010-04-17T15:11:00.002-05:00

Today is Blakely's birthday. That means a) everyone should celebrate her cause she is just darn cool, and b) my birthday is tomorrow.

I know! What fun, right?

Well, usually. But right now I'm sitting in my bed with a 100.2º fever with a cute little box of Puffs that my roomie so lovingly picked up at the store for me because my nose was getting so raw from using roll after roll of toilet paper.

Ehhh.

And, while I was at staff retreat this past week, the time when we're supposed to be frolicking in the sand and kayaking on the lake, I was sitting in a lounge chair staring catatonically at the lake. But hey, I'd rather be at the lake sick than climbing Mt. Everest or something.

I started off 2010 with a flat tire. Now I'm starting out my (cough)th year with being sick. I know how to roll.

either i'm prophetic or my cat is reading my blog

2010-04-13T23:58:00.002-05:00

Yesterday Sam was thoroughly preoccupied with something under the stove. Like, pawing up under it and staring it down. I figured he'd found a raisin or something.

But this morning, at 5:00 a.m. sharp, I heard him making all kinds of noise. I opened my eyes to see him pouncing all over the place on my bedroom floor. I figured he'd found a moth or something.

When the pouncing didn't stop I started to get a little concerned. Surely a moth would've flown away by this time, right? I turned on the lamp beside my bed and all my figuring was put to shame. The boy had severely injured a mouse and proceeded to kill it in front of me.

So I picked it up in a tissue and threw it away. And then I lay in bed with the willies and never did fall back asleep.

The bad news? We have mice. Or mouse. Hopefully just the one mouse. The good news? My cat is THE MAN. And he remembered my birthday.

reminders

2010-04-09T13:50:00.003-05:00

Sometimes when I have a few minutes I like to go back and read blog posts from previous years while sticking to the month we're currently in. Like, right now it's April, so I go back and read last year's April, and then the year before's April, and so forth and so on. It gives me good perspective, reminding me that life is pretty darn good, and it was pretty darn good, and it will probably keep being pretty darn good in the future.

And sometimes I read things like this, things I've forgotten, and it reminds me why I blog. Not for you, not for the world, but so that I can remember things that are SO DANG FUNNY that they should never be forgotten.

brawner wisdom

2010-04-02T00:52:00.003-05:00

Today my dear, dear friend Tom turned to me and said,

"There's never a dull moment in this whole being human thing, is there?"

I really like him.

[postscript: Today is his birthday. Happy birthday, Tom. You da pumpkin.]

on going outside

2010-03-27T11:47:00.003-05:00

I love the outdoors, but I don't love being cold. In the spring, summer, and early fall, I have this wonderful route that I walk or jog around our neighborhood. It's beautifully shaded by really old trees, the houses are quaint and pretty, and when I pass someone else on the sidewalk they always smile. I know the route like the back of my hand. In the winter time, though, I stick to my roommate's elliptical while watching a couple episodes of Arrested Development on my laptop to pass the time. It doesn't hold a candle to going outside.

Yesterday was my first day being reunited with my "route." It was 58º and sunny, bright blue skies, and a little bit windy. It was truly like hugging an old friend that I hadn't seen since October.

The oddest thing, though, was realizing that this time along my route, I wasn't anxious; wasn't all sad or pent-up. It made me so thankful for how much my life has changed during this past season, and I thanked God for all the beauty in my life right now.

And in my ears was blaring Needtobreathe's The Outsiders record, and Something Beautiful was on and the words made so much sense: I just want something beautiful to touch me / I know that I'm in reach / I'm down on my knees / waiting for something beautiful. Because at that moment, hugging the old friend after five months, thankful for the grace in my life—I was absolutely drenched in something beautiful.

one of my favorite gchats of all time

2010-03-24T21:20:00.001-05:00

These messages were sent while you were offline.

9:50 AM
amy!
?

9:53 AM
welp, it was worth a shit
ah
i mean shot
dang it!
whoops
welp, i'll be on here for a while

turn, turn, turn

2010-03-19T12:08:00.005-05:00

For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
(Ecclesiastes 3)

Right now, I am thankful. I'm thankful for this season.

A time to be born, to be renewed, to defrost and feel the sun on my face.
A time to plant moments that will grow up into memories.
A time to heal, to drain off the anxiety.
A time to tear down walls I've built for my own "protection."
A time to laugh, thank God.
A time to dance, alone and together.
A time to drop the stones I've held to throw at myself and others.
A time to turn away from the past, to believe that all things can be made new.
A time to search for adventure, to cut off the safety net.
A time to throw away all the regrets, because I'm forgiven.
A time to mend, to put back the pieces of being unnamed.
A time to be quiet and listen to the music.
A time to love. There is so much to love.
A time for peace. To rest in the arms of beauty, and Beauty Himself.

What a season. It is good.

are you awkward? i'm not awkward.

2010-03-07T11:19:00.004-06:00

Every other time I've taken a retreat at the Abbey, no one really talks to me all that much. I think it's because many folks go there to have silent retreats; time where they don't speak out loud or interact with anyone for days at a time. And that is usually just fine with me, as I get nervous around strangers and my brain spins out of control trying to think up a normal small-talk question to fill the silence.

Cari and I are both pretty much that way. We enjoy silence and don't feel the need to fill space with words unless there really is something to say. So when a monk sat down with us at lunch yesterday in the cafeteria, we both looked at each other with a quiet panic in our eyes.

He introduced himself, and we introduced ourselves. He asked where we'd come from, and we said Kansas City. He asked what church we were involved in, and we said the Gathering Network. Then silence. I was trying SO HARD to come up with a question, but my relaxed and introverted brain just wasn't helping much.

Finally he broke the silence again. "So what kind of work do you guys do?"

This is always a hard question for me, but I was thankful for some words to break the awkward silence, so I answered, "I'm the programming, operations person for our church. I do the website and the services and stuff like that."

"Ohhh," he said.

Then Cari answered, "I work at an ad agency."

"Cool," said Brother Cyprian.

After what felt like a full minute I couldn't hold it in any longer, and I turned to him and said, "Soo ... what kind of work do YOU do?"

And right then and there, a full-fledged monk, Cari, and I just died laughing.

i'm so miley cyrus

2010-03-05T15:34:00.004-06:00

Cari and I decided a little time away for a retreat sounded nice, so we headed up to trusty Conception Abbey for a few quiet days with the monks. As we were sitting around in our room in our pajamas, the time for lunch to be served in the cafeteria was drawing near. Cari asked if I was going to shower or anything before heading down there.

"No," I said, tugging on my pajama pants. "But I am gonna put on my pants."

"You're going to poop your pants?"

"I'm going to PUT ON my pants."

"Ohhh," she said.

As I stood up to change I said, "I am going to pee, though. In the toilet."

"Not in your pants?"

"Not in my pants like yeah."

on going home, for the first time

2010-02-15T23:52:00.003-06:00

I remember the sweet sensation of leaving, years ago, some ten now, leaving Texas for who knows where. I could not have known about this beautiful place, the Oregon I have come to love, this city of great people, this smell of coffee and these evergreens reaching up into a mist of sky, these sunsets spilling over the west hills to slide a red glow down the streets of my town.

And I could not have known then that if I had been born here, I would have left here, gone someplace south to deal with horses, to get on some open land where you can see tomorrow's storm brewing over a high desert. I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. —Don Miller, Through Painted Deserts

Two weeks ago my dear friend Nathan moved to Nashville. Our friend Jordan drove down with him, and an hour after Nathan put him on a plane back to Kansas City, we started driving, and we arrived in time to have dinner with a Nathan who was very happy to see us. And then we spent the whole weekend digging Nashville, enjoying the food and the coffee and the general Nashville-ness that exists around that place.

Every time I've been to Nashville (which has only been a handful of times), I've felt it. No matter the season, the air has a song to it—it's as if music has drenched the city in such a way that it's evaporated and become part of the dew. You breathe music in and out of your lungs. And Nathan, in a similar way, has music running in his veins. So this move, this uprooting of a life in Kansas to be replanted in Tennessee, is such a natural and beautiful thing. And as he showed us this thing and that thing and oh that other thing over there, I could tell that my friend had moved home.

The same thing happened when Stefán moved to Costa Rica and learned Spanish all over again, even though he hadn't spoken it since he was two years old. It also happened when my old roommate Chris moved to North Dakota, and she became a cattle farmer. The puzzle pieces all finally matched up and something beautiful was revealed.

I remember sitting in the Charlotte airport on a layover. I had just flown from my hometown (where I went to college as well) and was waiting to board a plane to Kansas City. I had a job offer on the table and was flying out to see about an apartment and accepting the offer. I remember sitting there looking up at the flight information and staring at it. I wrote in my journal:

Kansas City. Will it be home?

At the time, of course, I meant would I move. But now I realize it was much deeper than that. Little did I know then that my soul would find a home here. At the end of that flight to KC I got in a rental car and drove around in the snow for hours, lost as I could be. I saw a sign that said Des Moines and I wondered if I really was near Iowa. I drove around so long and got so hungry that I stopped at Denny's on Broadway and 16th Street and ate by myself. I had to ask the cashier if he knew where my hotel was. I had no idea at the time that life could be what it has become.

I still get tears in my eyes every time I fly or drive into Kansas City after being away. a) Because she's so beautiful, and b) because she's my home.

And, as it turns out, we are indeed REALLY close to Iowa.

no bad news

2010-02-09T23:59:00.002-06:00

A little over a month ago, as 2009 was ending, it didn't receive much love. All over Twitter people were bashing 2009, welcoming 2010 and shoving 2009 out the door with a swift kick. I never like to be one drinking hatorade, but I gotta admit that 2009 wasn't my favorite year either. I didn't spit on it as it walked away, but I sure didn't yell I'll miss you! after it either.

It wasn't a bad year by any means, but it was most definitely difficult. A lot of lessons to be learned. A lot of difficult decisions to be made. A lot of, well, dealing. And 2010? It's the proverbial dawn, the proverbial new birth, the proverbial burgundy shoes. It's, proverbially, Israel as they've crossed the Red Sea and turned to see all their oppressors drowning as the split waters crash together again and they realize in the pit of their stomachs that they're no longer slaves. It's all freedom and praise and glory and laughter and joy.

And more as a matter of deliverance than a resolution, I decided to have FUN this year. To be myself and live into the fact that I'm a beloved child of a sovereign God. To stop gripping so tightly what I know in order to be free to soar like a kite if the wind happens to pick up. To live life with a posture of gratitude instead of worry.

One thing I did in 2009 was lose my joy. It wasn't anyone's fault exactly, I just kept worrying a lot and working really hard for things I thought I wanted that would never be right. Then one night my friend (and polar opposite) Bethany reminded me that God says to not worry. I think some chains fell off with those words.

And this weekend, as we were sailing down the highway on an impromptu road trip to Nashville, Bethany and I were singing Patty Griffin's No Bad News at the top of our lungs. I turned to her and said, "You know what 2010 is? It's the Year Of No Bad News. I'm declaring it."

Because if I've learned anything in 1+ months of this proverbial sunrise of a new year, it's that bad news is just a really tough ribbon to break when you're unwrapping news so good you could never have imagined it with your whole heart.

the best made plans are your open hands

2010-01-25T16:50:00.002-06:00

I am overwhelmed at how beautifully God shapes my life when I take my hands off it.

I'm going to read Proverbs 3 every day until I know it like I know Arrested Development quotes.

so be amazed

2010-01-21T23:44:00.006-06:00

So. (That's in honor of you, Lisa.) I was reading Lisa's blog tonight, and laughed out loud at the fact that her host mama in Costa Rica brought her a margarita and some nuts for an unpacking snack. Seriously, I loved that idea, and I wondered why we don't all do that. Welcome home! Here's your margarita and some nuts. How was the flight?

Anyway, Lisa was mentioning that her best friend is getting married in March. True statement. And right as I was reading that, I was listening to the Weepies, and the lyrics all this beauty / might have to close your eyes / and slowly open wide floated through the air.

And it hit me: FIVE weddings coming up. FIVE people I'm really close to are getting MARRIED this year. And so far it's been a lot of planning and figuring—dates and photographers and places and invitation lists, but in that moment, reading Lisa's blog with the music floating in the air and it was like I opened up my eyes and realized HOW FREAKING BEAUTIFUL that is.

Jessica and Kyle. Mindy and Jason. Jewel and Greg. Val and Andy. Julie and Scott. That is a LOT of love. And friends, I am SO happy for each of you in all your unique situations and journeys.

All this beauty. Might have to close your eyes and slowly open wide. Do it. You'll see. 2010 is going to be so beautiful I can hardly wait for the sun to rise tomorrow.

jazz paws!

2010-01-20T23:35:00.000-06:00

Today, it rained. We had a heat wave; we broke 40 degrees, and it rained instead of snowed. I even heard a bit of thunder last night, which puts my soul at rest for some reason. I realize it's just mid-January and I shouldn't be putting away the snow boots yet, but I can't help but be a little relieved to see that the grass is still there.

Anyway, all that said, on Christmas day last month we had the start of a very, very snowy and cold stint. Like, meteorologists kept saying words like, "Record-breaking!" and stuff. There were certainly days when I was all, "This bleepity-bleep-bleep snow needs to bleeping melt already!" because I had snow in my boots and I couldn't feel my fingers from all the scraping of my car, but there were also days when I stood wide-eyed and giddy onlooking as the big flakes fell slowly and it was the most beautiful thing I could imagine.

And then one day the sun came out and it warmed up to thirty and I went frolicking in the yard in a sweatshirt. I took the Sam out to get him some fresh air, and he was so funny in the deep snow that I started taking pictures. Then, upon uploading, I saw it. The paw. The most hysterical paw I'd ever seen. A very cold little paw on a very irritated little cat.

Oh. My. Gosh. I. Could. Not. Stop. Laughing.

lyrics

2010-01-19T11:51:00.001-06:00

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us."

If we, I especially, could keep that on the front burner, life would be seen through a much clearer lens.

winter

2010-01-07T22:57:00.002-06:00

I caught the suck. Everyone has had some sort of sickness, and I finally caught it. Fever, sore throat, coughing, head cold, lethargic, sleepy. Today I put some vapor rub in a pan of water and heated it up on the stove. I stood over it with a hand towel over my head and breathed in all the steamy goodness.

Natalie walked in the kitchen, saw me, and immediately said, "We really do need a tv show."

what happens on gchat

2010-01-05T23:02:00.000-06:00

me:
Sunday night I was sitting on the back of a chair and almost fell off.

cari:
:0
I mean
:)
You should probably stay away from the backs of chairs.

well said

2010-01-01T23:31:00.003-06:00

The scene: January 1st, mid-afternoon, driving down Metcalf. It's 9 degrees outside. My tire falls off the wheel and by the time I can get pulled over on a side street the thing is shredded to bits. I call Cari, who immediately jumps in her car saying that it will be FUN! to change a tire! Knowing I don't want to change a tire even though Cari does, I call Jason to see what he's up to. Not much, he says, and he drives over too.

While Jason (Man of the Year in 2009, and in the running already for 2010) is changing my tire in 9 degrees and a foot of snow, I say to Cari as we watch, "Leave it to me to get a flat tire on the coldest day of the year."

"Or," she says, "the ONLY day of the year."

truth

2009-12-31T02:07:00.005-06:00

It is late in the evening and I'm under a blanket on the couch, glass of red wine in my hand, reading Don Miller.

Moses wrote Job before he wrote Genesis, most scholars agree, and so the first thing God wanted to communicate to mankind was that life is hard, and there is pain, great pain in life, and yet the answer to this pain, or the cure for this pain, is not given in explanation; rather, God offers to this pain, or this life experience, Himself. Not steps, not an understanding, not a philosophy, but Himself. ... And so from the beginning, from the very first story told in Scripture, God presents life, as it is, without escape, with only Himself to cling to.

december

2009-12-29T00:21:00.003-06:00

Time, go easy on me tonight,
'cause I'm one of your lost sheep, alright.
Take what you must,
take what you must
of what I've lost as I have roamed.

Patty Griffin writes wise words. Maybe wise isn't the right adjective. Insightful, perhaps. They resonate, make me feel not alone, make me realize that we all of us as humans feel the same shitty feelings even though we're all in different shitty situations.

The last several months have been hard on me. I've lost a lot, internally, from my soul. I feel pretty forgotten by God. I know in my head that that isn't true, but in my chest that's what it feels like. Sometimes you ask God to fix something so many times and so often that when he doesn't, it leaves you all confused. You wonder if he's forgotten you, or given up on you.

But he never promised he'd fix everything we ask him to. He never promised to give us anything we want. He did say that his grace is sufficient. Even in the midst of all the broken things that don't get fixed, even in the midst of not getting what we want, even in the midst of watching others get what we want—his grace is always sufficient.

I have to remember that I can't see in all directions at the same time. There is an unknown, unforeseen, unimaginable joy beyond the darkness of my lost hope.

If I claim to trust him at all, I must trust him with all.

johnson county: safest place in the world, but apparently forgetful

2009-12-17T17:01:00.004-06:00

Monday night as I was leaving Blakely's house it was four degrees outside. FOUR. That right there is enough to make me cranky in the ten minute drive home.

But if that weren't enough, a quarter mile away from her house a cop does a U-turn and pulls up behind me. Mind you, I was doing everything by the book because I was in Mission, and if you don't know, Mission cops are sticklers. And they're everywhere. You have to mind your P's and Q's when you're in Mission. So when the lights come on I really have absolutely no idea why I'm being pulled over.

The police officer informs me that I have a headlight out. I didn't know, and I tell him I didn't know, and thank him for letting me know, and promise him I'll get it fixed. He still feels the need to run my license, which takes—oh, TEN MINUTES. TEN MINUTES IN FOUR DEGREES. And no, my heat isn't working because I've literally just left Blakely's house and the engine hasn't warmed up yet. Finally, he comes back with my license, tells me he's not going to give me a ticket, and to have a good night. Through chattering teeth I thank him.

I start driving again, and literally ONE MILE later a Prairie Village cop pulls me over. As I roll down the window I don't even let him introduce himself. I shove my license and insurance card out the window and say, "Mission police just pulled me over at Johnson Drive and told me my headlight was out." I'm still freezing and can't feel my toes or fingers.

He's nice, he really is. He asks if I'm headed home and if the other cop had checked for outstanding warrants. I say yes, and he just tells me to have a good night. I start to roll up the window but he doubles back and says, "Do you need me to write you a ticket so that you have a written reminder to get your headlight fixed?"

"Um, no. Thanks. I'm good."

most likely THE cutest thing ever

2009-12-14T23:28:00.002-06:00

Last night I crawled into bed and promptly sneezed twice. Not one second later, my cat sneezed three times at the foot of my bed.

destination wedding, in a nutshell

2009-12-02T23:16:00.002-06:00

A couple weekends ago, I had a really fun opportunity. See ... Tami, Jessica, and I go way back. And, as time usually has it, Jessica got married and Tami moved to Texas and well, we hadn't all been together in a very, very long time. But when Tami decided to get married on a beach, she asked Jessica to photograph her wedding, and when that happened Jessica asked me to photograph it with her. Two words: YES PLEASE.

The beautiful reminder of this entire trip was that I had nearly forgotten how terribly much I love both these girls, and I feel simply blessed beyond belief that we had this glorious November weekend to remember it all. That Tami ... as I was taking pictures of her and her precious dad right before he walked her down the aisle, she started in on all these memories we have—reminiscing and laughing—and that beautiful bride made me cry right then and there. She was just so darn beautiful and so darn happy and I was getting to take pictures of all of it and I was so darn happy for her.

And I truly can't imagine anyone better suited for her than Corey. He's entirely crazy about her, and she's entirely crazy about him.

And their families? Oh my WORD so much fun. Corey's dad brought along a rubber chicken that he's had for years named Ricky. He goes on all their trips with them and his beak melted off one year in the trunk. I told him about our gnomes, but I think he's onto something. Rubber chickens are MUCH easier to pack.

And Tami's sister's fiance? He gave us his car for the weekend. I KNOW. Like it was no big deal. Just generous as can be. And then he took us to the airport when all was said and done.

But the absolute best part of the whole deal was getting to spend five whole days with my dear friend Jessica. I gotta say, we're quite the team. We endured some hiccups for sure. Hiccups like food poisoning and a trip to the emergency room. A canceled flight that kept us in Florida an extra day. Losing our keys to the car we'd parked at the airport in Kansas City. But we also checked off the list some fabulous things like lots of shopping, patio lunches with wine, massages, sleeping in, and climbing a fence to enjoy a beautiful private beach.

Oh, and photos? Yes. We got them. I'm leaving most of them for the happy couple, but you can click here for a handful.

catching up

2009-11-21T11:04:00.003-06:00

Ok so the last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind. I promise that the second I get a chance I'm going to post some photos of Tami and Corey's beautiful and super fun wedding on the gorgeous beach. And tell you all the hilarious (and some not so) stories of the trip. Until then, a couple shots from the iPhone to tide us all over ...

"i've wanted to sail upon your waters since i was three feet tall"

2009-11-10T07:05:00.003-06:00

It's Tuesday morning, and in fifteen minutes I meet the rest of my team to continue the conference we're at this week. But, for fifteen minutes, I am enjoying a balcony. A balcony? In November? Really? Yeah. We're at Litchfield Beach in South Carolina at a church planting conference. It's funny, because I grew up here. Not right in Litchfield, but in South Carolina, and we vacationed here all the time. Pawley's Island, Charleston, Hilton Head. I always forget how much a part of me the ocean is until I smell it again, or see it or hear it. It's wild and huge and unpredictable, yet it holds together our seasons and our jet streams and even though it's unpredictable, it's consistent. Tide in, tide out. It ebbs and flows, always.

I think we could learn a lot from the ocean.

sweet lorraines

2009-11-07T16:47:00.002-06:00

I love my friends. Especially when they get excited about the same things I get excited about, like going out to a field in Kansas and taking a thousand photos. I love it even more when they get excited about doing it again when the seasons change.

Last time we let Patty Griffin's Burgundy Shoes inspire us—plaid dresses, big boots, burgundy shoes—we carried with us everything lovely and summery. This time around, we decided to just give ourselves a collective name. Once again, we let Patty be our muse, and we decided on the Sweet Lorraines. Because Lorraine was the one who spoke of outlandish things. She knew that in the battle of time and will, you have to fiercely protect your heart and your hope. And most of all, even though what came before her was so very tragic, she always—always—believed in magic.

October 31, 2009 from Amy G on Vimeo.

(Thanks to Cari, Jordanne, Blakely, Bethany, Crystal, and even Natalie for being such amazing models and friends.
Thanks to Gunner for being such an awesome mascot.
And thanks to Isaac for making this song so cool.)

i'm so happy i don't know what to do with myself

2009-11-02T17:40:00.002-06:00

1. New iPhone today.

2. Editing photos from Saturday's photo shoot in the beautiful fall leaves with my beautiful friends.

3. Day off.

4. Heading to Lawrence to celebrate a 21st birthday in an hour.

5. Enjoying a café au lait.

Seriously. It is a GOOD Monday.